Dieting Humor Enthusiasts Gifts

Dieting in a gingerbread house

'What I like best about a magnum of Champagne is, it's a controlled portion.'

"I'm putting you on a beef diet. Nothing beef for breakfast, nothing beef for lunch, nothing beef for tea, nothing beef for..."

'I just got the medium popcorn this time.'

"My Weight Watchers meeting's tonight. I'd better get inside."

You are what you eat (Nuts).

Calorie averaging...With the oven-fresh trip-el burger, you get one French fry.

"Do you know donuts have fewer calories than you? I guess that would explain your muffin top."

Weight Gain Denial

'Look! A rock hard body in 90 days!'

'No, it's not water. You seem to be retaining food.'

"Got anything else? I gave up carbs."

'I'm afraid I can't accept that excuse Mrs Hart. It isn't possible to inhale second hand calories.'

'It's a middle-age spread spread.'

The real reason salad aids weight loss

"Is it working?"

'Of course they're not working. You're not supposed to have appetite suppressants for dessert.'

"Really, yes, I'm on a diet too: I need to almost double my summer weight before the start of the winter hibernation..."

"I'm trying to eat more vegetarians."

'I'm hoping for a heat wave - I could afford to lose a few pounds.'

'Step One...a pie chart is not dessert.'

'Live there? I might as well wear it on my hips!'

'Does it come in soy lite?'

'I don't like to complain, but I'm getting a little tired of crudités.'

"Why do you call it a thyroid problem when it's been giving me an excuse for the 20 pounds I gained this year?"

'I'm on a strict diet... so no pie charts.'

My budgie likes Mars bars.

"Will I be searched for chocolate when I board?"

"I'm on the whisky diet - I've lost 3 days already..."

'Of course on this new diet, I only count the calories of the food I eat whilst other people are in the room.'