Dieting Humor Gifts

'True, it is ten ninety five for all you can eat. But that does not include the thin woman inside you that's crying to get out.'

'I tell you what: Mistress' lap was so much more comfortable before she started her diet...'

'I've worked out, if you lose ten pounds a week, in two months you'll be gone completely.'

"I decided to limit myself to just one Easter egg this year."

'What I like best about a magnum of Champagne is, it's a controlled portion.'

"I'm putting you on a beef diet. Nothing beef for breakfast, nothing beef for lunch, nothing beef for tea, nothing beef for..."

'I just got the medium popcorn this time.'

"My Weight Watchers meeting's tonight. I'd better get inside."

You are what you eat (Nuts).

Calorie averaging...With the oven-fresh trip-el burger, you get one French fry.

"Do you know donuts have fewer calories than you? I guess that would explain your muffin top."

Weight Gain Denial

'Look! A rock hard body in 90 days!'

'No, it's not water. You seem to be retaining food.'

"Got anything else? I gave up carbs."

'I'm afraid I can't accept that excuse Mrs Hart. It isn't possible to inhale second hand calories.'

The real reason salad aids weight loss

"Really, yes, I'm on a diet too: I need to almost double my summer weight before the start of the winter hibernation..."

'It's a middle-age spread spread.'

'Of course they're not working. You're not supposed to have appetite suppressants for dessert.'

"Is it working?"

"I'm trying to eat more vegetarians."

'I'm hoping for a heat wave - I could afford to lose a few pounds.'

'Does it come in soy lite?'

'Step One...a pie chart is not dessert.'

'Live there? I might as well wear it on my hips!'

'I don't like to complain, but I'm getting a little tired of crudités.'

"Why do you call it a thyroid problem when it's been giving me an excuse for the 20 pounds I gained this year?"

My budgie likes Mars bars.

'I'm on a strict diet... so no pie charts.'

"Will I be searched for chocolate when I board?"

Excess Baggage: From the 'Travel Promises that never meant to be kept' department.

'Of course on this new diet, I only count the calories of the food I eat whilst other people are in the room.'