Humor In Dieting Gifts

Hello, sir, we're the post-Halloween, leftover candy, concerned citizens patrol.

'What I like best about a magnum of Champagne is, it's a controlled portion.'

"My Weight Watchers meeting's tonight. I'd better get inside."

'I just got the medium popcorn this time.'

Calorie averaging...With the oven-fresh trip-el burger, you get one French fry.

"Do you know donuts have fewer calories than you? I guess that would explain your muffin top."

Weight Gain Denial

'No, it's not water. You seem to be retaining food.'

Before and After Holiday Diet

"Got anything else? I gave up carbs."

'I'm afraid I can't accept that excuse Mrs Hart. It isn't possible to inhale second hand calories.'

'It's a middle-age spread spread.'

'Of course they're not working. You're not supposed to have appetite suppressants for dessert.'

"Is it working?"

The real reason salad aids weight loss

"Really, yes, I'm on a diet too: I need to almost double my summer weight before the start of the winter hibernation..."

"I'm trying to eat more vegetarians."

Squirrels eating different types of nuts.

'Step One...a pie chart is not dessert.'

'Does it come in soy lite?'

Overweight Man With Skipping Rope - To Be Taken 3 Times A Day.

'I don't like to complain, but I'm getting a little tired of crudités.'

I've been trying to cut back on my salt intake. I'd also like to do that, but unfortunately, my main source of salt comes from tears streaming into my mouth.

'Live there? I might as well wear it on my hips!'

"Why do you call it a thyroid problem when it's been giving me an excuse for the 20 pounds I gained this year?"

My budgie likes Mars bars.

'I'm on a strict diet... so no pie charts.'

'Of course I'm on a strict diet, doc! I eat vegetarian animals only!'

"Imagine bread is a lot like the sun...It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist."

'Great. Looks like I'll be packing on more weight.'

"Will I be searched for chocolate when I board?"

'I tell you what: Mistress' lap was so much more comfortable before she started her diet...'

'Of course on this new diet, I only count the calories of the food I eat whilst other people are in the room.'

Ernie's on a high-protein diet and craving foods he can't have. They're creeping into everything he says. Whatcha watching, Ernie? I'm trying to decide between "Game of Scones" and that zombie show, "The Walking Bread." Later I might watch some "Dancing with the Starch." Ernie, leave room for that political drama you enjoy so much. Oh yeah, I love binging on "House of Carbs"!

Good news! We determined the hair in your vegan soup is from the chef's fake fur coat!