Dieters With A Sense Of Humor Gifts

'Super size mine. Who knows when Mr. Money Bags will take me out grazing again.'

'I sent off ?25 to their slimming club and all they sent me was this t-shirt to wear.'

"Really, yes, I'm on a diet too: I need to almost double my summer weight before the start of the winter hibernation..."

'What I like best about a magnum of Champagne is, it's a controlled portion.'

"I'm putting you on a beef diet. Nothing beef for breakfast, nothing beef for lunch, nothing beef for tea, nothing beef for..."

"My Weight Watchers meeting's tonight. I'd better get inside."

'I just got the medium popcorn this time.'

Calorie averaging...With the oven-fresh trip-el burger, you get one French fry.

"Do you know donuts have fewer calories than you? I guess that would explain your muffin top."

Weight Gain Denial

'I thought it was your figure you were supposed to be watching !'

'No, it's not water. You seem to be retaining food.'

Before and After Holiday Diet

"Got anything else? I gave up carbs."

'I'm afraid I can't accept that excuse Mrs Hart. It isn't possible to inhale second hand calories.'

'Of course they're not working. You're not supposed to have appetite suppressants for dessert.'

'It's a middle-age spread spread.'

"Is it working?"

The real reason salad aids weight loss

"I'm trying to eat more vegetarians."

Squirrels eating different types of nuts.

'Step One...a pie chart is not dessert.'

'Live there? I might as well wear it on my hips!'

'This exercise bike's brilliant - it's MOTORISED!'

Hello, sir, we're the post-Halloween, leftover candy, concerned citizens patrol.

'Does it come in soy lite?'

I've been trying to cut back on my salt intake. I'd also like to do that, but unfortunately, my main source of salt comes from tears streaming into my mouth.

"Why do you call it a thyroid problem when it's been giving me an excuse for the 20 pounds I gained this year?"

'I'm on a strict diet... so no pie charts.'

My budgie likes Mars bars.

Ernie's on a high-protein diet and craving foods he can't have. They're creeping into everything he says. Whatcha watching, Ernie? I'm trying to decide between "Game of Scones" and that zombie show, "The Walking Bread." Later I might watch some "Dancing with the Starch." Ernie, leave room for that political drama you enjoy so much. Oh yeah, I love binging on "House of Carbs"!

"Will I be searched for chocolate when I board?"

"Imagine bread is a lot like the sun...It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist."

'Great. Looks like I'll be packing on more weight.'

'Of course on this new diet, I only count the calories of the food I eat whilst other people are in the room.'