Humorous Dieting Appreciator Gifts

"They say 'grazing' is healthier than eating 3 large meals. . . if that's true, why are we so @%&! FAT?!"

'What I like best about a magnum of Champagne is, it's a controlled portion.'

'I just got the medium popcorn this time.'

"My Weight Watchers meeting's tonight. I'd better get inside."

Calorie averaging...With the oven-fresh trip-el burger, you get one French fry.

"Do you know donuts have fewer calories than you? I guess that would explain your muffin top."

Weight Gain Denial

'No, it's not water. You seem to be retaining food.'

Before and After Holiday Diet

"Got anything else? I gave up carbs."

'I'm on a diet -- I just eat the brains.'

'I'm afraid I can't accept that excuse Mrs Hart. It isn't possible to inhale second hand calories.'

'Of course they're not working. You're not supposed to have appetite suppressants for dessert.'

"Is it working?"

"Really, yes, I'm on a diet too: I need to almost double my summer weight before the start of the winter hibernation..."

'It's a middle-age spread spread.'

The real reason salad aids weight loss

Squirrels eating different types of nuts.

'This exercise bike's brilliant - it's MOTORISED!'

'Step One...a pie chart is not dessert.'

Hello, sir, we're the post-Halloween, leftover candy, concerned citizens patrol.

'I don't like to complain, but I'm getting a little tired of crudités.'

'Live there? I might as well wear it on my hips!'

"Why do you call it a thyroid problem when it's been giving me an excuse for the 20 pounds I gained this year?"

My budgie likes Mars bars.

'I'm on a strict diet... so no pie charts.'

"Will I be searched for chocolate when I board?"

"Mr. Whopple, time to slow down on the veggie diet!"

'Great. Looks like I'll be packing on more weight.'

'Of course on this new diet, I only count the calories of the food I eat whilst other people are in the room.'

Excess Baggage: If calories consumed on vacation don't count, then little creatures must sneak into your room at night to shrink your clothes.

'I tell you what: Mistress' lap was so much more comfortable before she started her diet...'

'Of course I'm on a strict diet, doc! I eat vegetarian animals only!'

Ernie's on a high-protein diet and craving foods he can't have. They're creeping into everything he says. Whatcha watching, Ernie? I'm trying to decide between "Game of Scones" and that zombie show, "The Walking Bread." Later I might watch some "Dancing with the Starch." Ernie, leave room for that political drama you enjoy so much. Oh yeah, I love binging on "House of Carbs"!

"Imagine bread is a lot like the sun...It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist."