Dieting Humor Appreciator Gifts

'What I like best about a magnum of Champagne is, it's a controlled portion.'

"My Weight Watchers meeting's tonight. I'd better get inside."

'I just got the medium popcorn this time.'

You are what you eat (Nuts).

Calorie averaging...With the oven-fresh trip-el burger, you get one French fry.

"Do you know donuts have fewer calories than you? I guess that would explain your muffin top."

Weight Gain Denial

'No, it's not water. You seem to be retaining food.'

"Got anything else? I gave up carbs."

'I'm afraid I can't accept that excuse Mrs Hart. It isn't possible to inhale second hand calories.'

'It's a middle-age spread spread.'

'Of course they're not working. You're not supposed to have appetite suppressants for dessert.'

The real reason salad aids weight loss

"Is it working?"

"Really, yes, I'm on a diet too: I need to almost double my summer weight before the start of the winter hibernation..."

'Does it come in soy lite?'

'Step One...a pie chart is not dessert.'

'Live there? I might as well wear it on my hips!'

'I don't like to complain, but I'm getting a little tired of crudités.'

Overweight Man With Skipping Rope - To Be Taken 3 Times A Day.

"Why do you call it a thyroid problem when it's been giving me an excuse for the 20 pounds I gained this year?"

'I'm on a strict diet... so no pie charts.'

My budgie likes Mars bars.

'Of course I'm on a strict diet, doc! I eat vegetarian animals only!'

Excess Baggage: If calories consumed on vacation don't count, then little creatures must sneak into your room at night to shrink your clothes.

"Imagine bread is a lot like the sun...It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist."

"Will I be searched for chocolate when I board?"

"Can you get on the scale please? I'm on a diet and need to monitor my food intake..."

"I'm on the whisky diet - I've lost 3 days already..."

'Of course on this new diet, I only count the calories of the food I eat whilst other people are in the room.'