Dieting Humor Appreciator Gifts

Soda machine next to a skinny diet soda machine.

'What I like best about a magnum of Champagne is, it's a controlled portion.'

"My Weight Watchers meeting's tonight. I'd better get inside."

'I just got the medium popcorn this time.'

You are what you eat (Nuts).

Calorie averaging...With the oven-fresh trip-el burger, you get one French fry.

Weight Gain Denial

"Do you know donuts have fewer calories than you? I guess that would explain your muffin top."

'No, it's not water. You seem to be retaining food.'

Before and After Holiday Diet

"Got anything else? I gave up carbs."

'I'm afraid I can't accept that excuse Mrs Hart. It isn't possible to inhale second hand calories.'

'It's a middle-age spread spread.'

'Of course they're not working. You're not supposed to have appetite suppressants for dessert.'

"Is it working?"

The real reason salad aids weight loss

"Really, yes, I'm on a diet too: I need to almost double my summer weight before the start of the winter hibernation..."

Squirrels eating different types of nuts.

Overweight Man With Skipping Rope - To Be Taken 3 Times A Day.

'Step One...a pie chart is not dessert.'

'I don't like to complain, but I'm getting a little tired of crudités.'

'Does it come in soy lite?'

I've been trying to cut back on my salt intake. I'd also like to do that, but unfortunately, my main source of salt comes from tears streaming into my mouth.

Hello, sir, we're the post-Halloween, leftover candy, concerned citizens patrol.

'Live there? I might as well wear it on my hips!'

"Why do you call it a thyroid problem when it's been giving me an excuse for the 20 pounds I gained this year?"

My budgie likes Mars bars.

'I'm on a strict diet... so no pie charts.'

"I'm on the whisky diet - I've lost 3 days already..."

"Can you get on the scale please? I'm on a diet and need to monitor my food intake..."

'Great. Looks like I'll be packing on more weight.'

"Will I be searched for chocolate when I board?"

Excess Baggage: If calories consumed on vacation don't count, then little creatures must sneak into your room at night to shrink your clothes.

'Of course I'm on a strict diet, doc! I eat vegetarian animals only!'

'Of course on this new diet, I only count the calories of the food I eat whilst other people are in the room.'