Humorous Dieting Appreciator Pillows

'What I like best about a magnum of Champagne is, it's a controlled portion.'

'I just got the medium popcorn this time.'

"My Weight Watchers meeting's tonight. I'd better get inside."

Calorie averaging...With the oven-fresh trip-el burger, you get one French fry.

"Do you know donuts have fewer calories than you? I guess that would explain your muffin top."

Weight Gain Denial

'No, it's not water. You seem to be retaining food.'

"Got anything else? I gave up carbs."

'I'm afraid I can't accept that excuse Mrs Hart. It isn't possible to inhale second hand calories.'

'I'm on a diet -- I just eat the brains.'

The real reason salad aids weight loss

"Really, yes, I'm on a diet too: I need to almost double my summer weight before the start of the winter hibernation..."

'Of course they're not working. You're not supposed to have appetite suppressants for dessert.'

'It's a middle-age spread spread.'

"Is it working?"

'Live there? I might as well wear it on my hips!'

'This exercise bike's brilliant - it's MOTORISED!'

'Step One...a pie chart is not dessert.'

'I don't like to complain, but I'm getting a little tired of crudités.'

"Why do you call it a thyroid problem when it's been giving me an excuse for the 20 pounds I gained this year?"

'I'm on a strict diet... so no pie charts.'

My budgie likes Mars bars.

"Mr. Whopple, time to slow down on the veggie diet!"

'Of course on this new diet, I only count the calories of the food I eat whilst other people are in the room.'

"I'm on the whisky diet - I've lost 3 days already..."

'Of course I'm on a strict diet, doc! I eat vegetarian animals only!'

"Will I be searched for chocolate when I board?"

"Imagine bread is a lot like the sun...It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist."

'I tell you what: Mistress' lap was so much more comfortable before she started her diet...'

Excess Baggage: If calories consumed on vacation don't count, then little creatures must sneak into your room at night to shrink your clothes.