Diet Humor Enthusiast Pillows

(South Beached Whales)

'Eating celery burns more calories than not eating it. Throwing the horrible stuff away burns even more.'

'Of course on this new diet, I only count the calories of the food I eat whilst other people are in the room.'

'...until the doctor put me on this bread and butter diet nothing worked for me.'

'What I like best about a magnum of Champagne is, it's a controlled portion.'

"I'm putting you on a beef diet. Nothing beef for breakfast, nothing beef for lunch, nothing beef for tea, nothing beef for..."

'According to the weight chart, if you were a condor, you'd have a wingspan of 97 feet.'

'Do you have to use that? -- tongue depressors make me hungry.'

'I just got the medium popcorn this time.'

'The customer is always right...'

'The doctor told me to introduce more greens into my diet.'

Looking at belt - "One more notch, room for desert."

You are what you eat (Nuts).

"I'm on a diet, how many calories in a fly?"

Calorie averaging...With the oven-fresh trip-el burger, you get one French fry.

"Try to eat more coconuts and fish."

"The doctor said it wouldn't hurt to fudge a little on my diet."

Milk Toast: One of the World's Most Deadly Foods!

"Do you know donuts have fewer calories than you? I guess that would explain your muffin top."

Weight Gain Denial

'No, it's not water. You seem to be retaining food.'

"Got anything else? I gave up carbs."

'I'm afraid I can't accept that excuse Mrs Hart. It isn't possible to inhale second hand calories.'

'It's a simple matter of checks and balances: your waistline has spread and your brain has shrunk.'

"Is it working?"

'You'll like this. It has no nutritional value at all.'

The real reason salad aids weight loss

'It's a middle-age spread spread.'

'Of course they're not working. You're not supposed to have appetite suppressants for dessert.'

'I try to eat a varied diet. One day I'll eat dark chocolate, one day I'll eat white chocolate and one day I'll eat milk chocolate.'

Maybe yuou simply have too many omega 3 fatty acids

'If you feel guilty, I can put our high fat vanilla ice cream in one of our low fat cups.'

"There were days he could kill for a piece of tofu."

'Live there? I might as well wear it on my hips!'