Dieters With A Sense Of Humor Pillows

'Super size mine. Who knows when Mr. Money Bags will take me out grazing again.'

'I sent off ?25 to their slimming club and all they sent me was this t-shirt to wear.'

"Really, yes, I'm on a diet too: I need to almost double my summer weight before the start of the winter hibernation..."

'What I like best about a magnum of Champagne is, it's a controlled portion.'

"I'm putting you on a beef diet. Nothing beef for breakfast, nothing beef for lunch, nothing beef for tea, nothing beef for..."

'I just got the medium popcorn this time.'

"My Weight Watchers meeting's tonight. I'd better get inside."

Calorie averaging...With the oven-fresh trip-el burger, you get one French fry.

'I thought it was your figure you were supposed to be watching !'

"Do you know donuts have fewer calories than you? I guess that would explain your muffin top."

Weight Gain Denial

'No, it's not water. You seem to be retaining food.'

"Got anything else? I gave up carbs."

'I'm afraid I can't accept that excuse Mrs Hart. It isn't possible to inhale second hand calories.'

"Is it working?"

'Of course they're not working. You're not supposed to have appetite suppressants for dessert.'

The real reason salad aids weight loss

'It's a middle-age spread spread.'

"I'm trying to eat more vegetarians."

'Step One...a pie chart is not dessert.'

'This exercise bike's brilliant - it's MOTORISED!'

'Live there? I might as well wear it on my hips!'

'Does it come in soy lite?'

"Why do you call it a thyroid problem when it's been giving me an excuse for the 20 pounds I gained this year?"

My budgie likes Mars bars.

'I'm on a strict diet... so no pie charts.'

Slim-quik liquid diet box floats up to man stranded on a desert island.

"Will I be searched for chocolate when I board?"

"Imagine bread is a lot like the sun...It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist."

Excess Baggage: From the 'Travel Promises that never meant to be kept' department.

'Of course on this new diet, I only count the calories of the food I eat whilst other people are in the room.'

'...We only eat dry cat food out here.'