Dieters Who Laugh Pillows

"My Weight Watchers meeting's tonight. I'd better get inside."

'What I like best about a magnum of Champagne is, it's a controlled portion.'

"I'm putting you on a beef diet. Nothing beef for breakfast, nothing beef for lunch, nothing beef for tea, nothing beef for..."

'I just got the medium popcorn this time.'

Calorie averaging...With the oven-fresh trip-el burger, you get one French fry.

"Do you know donuts have fewer calories than you? I guess that would explain your muffin top."

'Look! A rock hard body in 90 days!'

Weight Gain Denial

'No, it's not water. You seem to be retaining food.'

Before and After Holiday Diet

"Got anything else? I gave up carbs."

'I'm afraid I can't accept that excuse Mrs Hart. It isn't possible to inhale second hand calories.'

"Really, yes, I'm on a diet too: I need to almost double my summer weight before the start of the winter hibernation..."

The real reason salad aids weight loss

'Of course they're not working. You're not supposed to have appetite suppressants for dessert.'

"Is it working?"

'It's a middle-age spread spread.'

"I'm trying to eat more vegetarians."

Squirrels eating different types of nuts.

'I'm hoping for a heat wave - I could afford to lose a few pounds.'

'Step One...a pie chart is not dessert.'

Hello, sir, we're the post-Halloween, leftover candy, concerned citizens patrol.

'This exercise bike's brilliant - it's MOTORISED!'

'Does it come in soy lite?'

I've been trying to cut back on my salt intake. I'd also like to do that, but unfortunately, my main source of salt comes from tears streaming into my mouth.

'Live there? I might as well wear it on my hips!'

"Why do you call it a thyroid problem when it's been giving me an excuse for the 20 pounds I gained this year?"

'I'm on a strict diet... so no pie charts.'

My budgie likes Mars bars.

'Great. Looks like I'll be packing on more weight.'

'Of course on this new diet, I only count the calories of the food I eat whilst other people are in the room.'

Excess Baggage: From the 'Travel Promises that never meant to be kept' department.

"Will I be searched for chocolate when I board?"

"I'm on the whisky diet - I've lost 3 days already..."

"Imagine bread is a lot like the sun...It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist."