Dieting For Laughs Pillows

"I'm trying to eat more vegetarians."

'What I like best about a magnum of Champagne is, it's a controlled portion.'

''Food miles' is a big issue, so I'm reducing the distance my food travels by moving my fridge into the living room.'

"My Weight Watchers meeting's tonight. I'd better get inside."

'I just got the medium popcorn this time.'

Fast Food Dieter

Calorie averaging...With the oven-fresh trip-el burger, you get one French fry.

'Look! A rock hard body in 90 days!'

Weight Gain Denial

"Do you know donuts have fewer calories than you? I guess that would explain your muffin top."

'No, it's not water. You seem to be retaining food.'

'I'm fat, I eat too much and my blood pressure is high. . . Have a beer and some chips but feel guilty about it.'

"Got anything else? I gave up carbs."

'I'm afraid I can't accept that excuse Mrs Hart. It isn't possible to inhale second hand calories.'

"Really, yes, I'm on a diet too: I need to almost double my summer weight before the start of the winter hibernation..."

The real reason salad aids weight loss

'Of course they're not working. You're not supposed to have appetite suppressants for dessert.'

"Is it working?"

'It's a middle-age spread spread.'

'I'm hoping for a heat wave - I could afford to lose a few pounds.'

Overweight Man With Skipping Rope - To Be Taken 3 Times A Day.

'Step One...a pie chart is not dessert.'

'Does it come in soy lite?'

'Live there? I might as well wear it on my hips!'

'Diet Plan Rule number one: Stop using ice cream truck music as your ringtone.'

"Why do you call it a thyroid problem when it's been giving me an excuse for the 20 pounds I gained this year?"

'I'm on a strict diet... so no pie charts.'

Exercise and diet at the same time - open and close your refrigerator door 100 times.

My budgie likes Mars bars.

"Will I be searched for chocolate when I board?"