Dieters With A Laugh Gifts

I Speak Your Weight: "Lay off the pizza and chips!"

'What I like best about a magnum of Champagne is, it's a controlled portion.'

"I'm putting you on a beef diet. Nothing beef for breakfast, nothing beef for lunch, nothing beef for tea, nothing beef for..."

'I just got the medium popcorn this time.'

"My Weight Watchers meeting's tonight. I'd better get inside."

Calorie averaging...With the oven-fresh trip-el burger, you get one French fry.

'Look! A rock hard body in 90 days!'

'I thought it was your figure you were supposed to be watching !'

Weight Gain Denial

"Do you know donuts have fewer calories than you? I guess that would explain your muffin top."

'No, it's not water. You seem to be retaining food.'

"Got anything else? I gave up carbs."

'I'm on a diet -- I just eat the brains.'

'I'm afraid I can't accept that excuse Mrs Hart. It isn't possible to inhale second hand calories.'

The real reason salad aids weight loss

'Of course they're not working. You're not supposed to have appetite suppressants for dessert.'

"Really, yes, I'm on a diet too: I need to almost double my summer weight before the start of the winter hibernation..."

"Is it working?"

'It's a middle-age spread spread.'

"I'm trying to eat more vegetarians."

'I'm hoping for a heat wave - I could afford to lose a few pounds.'

'This exercise bike's brilliant - it's MOTORISED!'

'Step One...a pie chart is not dessert.'

'Live there? I might as well wear it on my hips!'

'Does it come in soy lite?'

"Why do you call it a thyroid problem when it's been giving me an excuse for the 20 pounds I gained this year?"

'I'm on a strict diet... so no pie charts.'

My budgie likes Mars bars.

"Will I be searched for chocolate when I board?"

Excess Baggage: From the 'Travel Promises that never meant to be kept' department.

'Of course on this new diet, I only count the calories of the food I eat whilst other people are in the room.'