Dieters With A Laugh Gifts

I Speak Your Weight: "Lay off the pizza and chips!"

'What I like best about a magnum of Champagne is, it's a controlled portion.'

"I'm putting you on a beef diet. Nothing beef for breakfast, nothing beef for lunch, nothing beef for tea, nothing beef for..."

"My Weight Watchers meeting's tonight. I'd better get inside."

'I just got the medium popcorn this time.'

Calorie averaging...With the oven-fresh trip-el burger, you get one French fry.

"Do you know donuts have fewer calories than you? I guess that would explain your muffin top."

Weight Gain Denial

'Look! A rock hard body in 90 days!'

'I thought it was your figure you were supposed to be watching !'

'No, it's not water. You seem to be retaining food.'

Before and After Holiday Diet

"Got anything else? I gave up carbs."

'I'm on a diet -- I just eat the brains.'

'I'm afraid I can't accept that excuse Mrs Hart. It isn't possible to inhale second hand calories.'

'Of course they're not working. You're not supposed to have appetite suppressants for dessert.'

The real reason salad aids weight loss

"Is it working?"

"Really, yes, I'm on a diet too: I need to almost double my summer weight before the start of the winter hibernation..."

'It's a middle-age spread spread.'

"I'm trying to eat more vegetarians."

Squirrels eating different types of nuts.

'I'm hoping for a heat wave - I could afford to lose a few pounds.'

'Step One...a pie chart is not dessert.'

'This exercise bike's brilliant - it's MOTORISED!'

Hello, sir, we're the post-Halloween, leftover candy, concerned citizens patrol.

'Does it come in soy lite?'

'Live there? I might as well wear it on my hips!'

I've been trying to cut back on my salt intake. I'd also like to do that, but unfortunately, my main source of salt comes from tears streaming into my mouth.

"Why do you call it a thyroid problem when it's been giving me an excuse for the 20 pounds I gained this year?"

'I'm on a strict diet... so no pie charts.'

My budgie likes Mars bars.

'Great. Looks like I'll be packing on more weight.'

Slim-quik liquid diet box floats up to man stranded on a desert island.

"Will I be searched for chocolate when I board?"