Vintage Humor Gifts

'Mr. Churchill, you are drunk !' 'Yes Madam and you are ugly but tomorrow I shall be sober.'

Man escaping from his scolding wife by inhaling ether

'He Will!'

A boy being made to stand in the corner

'Ha! Ha! The Wooin' O't!'

"Doc's clean out of anaesthetic - he's drank it all!"

"Smile when you say that, pardner."

"Er – if you young people don't mind, I have a few things to do now. Perhaps you have a hotel or somewhere to go?"

"Happy birthday, dear. You still have that sparkle in your eyes!" "That sparkle burned out years ago. These are cataracts."

'Sorry guys... budget cuts !'

'Sigh! So that's what love is all about...'

'The village's oldest inhabitant? We did have one, but he died.'

Two men toting a dog in a carriage by foot, while the dog sticks his head out the window.

"He reports to Grand Central Palace tomorrow."

Uses of a Dead Cat in History: Moscow 1917

'Admit it, you've been laughing behind my back ever since 1957 when we went in that hall of mirrors in Skegness!'

"I should cover your ears.I'm not very good at this.'

"Do let me know if I'm getting in the way, won't you?"

"It's time you had those dinosaur hips replaced."

Vaudeville producers audition a singing Canada goose.

Peter Cook

"Let that breathe a little. But not too much. My last bottle hyperventilated."

Mr. Toots becomes particular - Diogenes also

"Ooops is a bit of an understatement, don't you think Cardigan?"

'Ever think it's a whole new world for us old guys?'

'How kids really saw Mr Robinson in computer classes.'

"I hate to sound like a sergeant, Ralph, but it's ten minutes to six."

"Cassius Clay....Muhammad Ali....was one name his chatroom nickname or user name?"

A man selling a horse to an older lady

'Oh yeah. He's the fastest in the west alright. The fastest out of town, at the first sight of trouble.'

W.C. Fields

'The crepes of wrath.' 'Joad's mobile pancake store.'

'I'll wait for Harold one more year. He hasn't crossed the finish line yet from the 1932 Olympic's marathon.'

The Enemy

"Don't panic Daisy dear. You can relax your buttocks, it's not the vet, it's the chimney sweep."