Veggie Stylist Gifts

Hairdresser pruning a vegetable.

'If he grabs the broccoli, we turn on the Raffi tunes. If he heads towards the Playstation, he hit him with the air horn at 100db.'

'The vegetables sat in the crisper for hours...days...a whole week. Then suddenly, the drawer opened. A hand reached in, grabbed the kale, and all you could hear was the sound of...A Garbage disposal.'

"I hope we can sell everything before it's time for mom to make dinner."

Veggie Hall of Fame.

'There are some good things about a vegetable garden. Dirt at your fingertips, for instance.'

'Because Thanksgiving is about a bountiful harvest. That's why we have to eat all these vegetables.'

Vegetarian Nightmare.

'Dad, you know that I'd never buy a pet that eats meat. Luckily, I found a guy who sold me the World's only vegetarian dog!'

"My mom is a vegetarian, so she doesn't bring home the bacon. She brings home kale and quinoa."

If we build raised beds and a compost bin now

Taken genetic engineering too far

September: All the familiar signs of harvest are with us once more.

'That chap really knows his onions!'

'The Ailing Matisse tries cutting out meat and dairy products.'

"No animals were harmed during this performance!"

"Which one on table three has gone for the vegetarian option?"

'No, you can't complain to the waiter about the vegetables floating in your soup. It's vegetable soup!'

"I discovered a way to get Steven to eat his vegetables. I put chocolate syrup on them."

'Vegebals are poisonus says sciencetists'

Ways to Misuse Ventriloquism

'They send you into the ketchup department? HA! I'M going into pizza!'

"I got the kids to try more vegetables by putting sugar in the salt shaker."

'No, you can't turn your vegetables into bio-fuel.'

'Mom, your diet says you can eat all the vegetables you want. Wow! A diet without vegetables!'

'So, that's settled - the eyes have it!'

"I remember when we wouldn't buy the bent knobbly ones. Now we pay twice as much for them."

"You're lucky your garden failed. If I'd had to can it, it would've been your marriage."

'I'm in a lot of trouble, but it's worth it. There's not enough dirt left to grow spinach.'

'Not a shed, just a shop.'

We've been working on them in the wind tunnel...

Dreams of Spring...

"Do we HAVE to be omnivores?"

'Lettuce pray!'

With my home genetic engineering kit, I've created massive, politically active vegetables. From the left, a giant carrot. From the right, big broccoli. It was an accident, but something feels right. Introducing Meet the Produce. Next topic: Trump. Losing. Winning.