University Policies Gifts

"Of course we have disinvited Chelsea Manning to be a fellow. Since the surgery, she's no longer a fellow, is she?"

"On a more positive note the guidance we’ve published on the services we can’t provide is published in 37 different languages."

"Good boy."

"Obama didn’t get to name a Supreme Court justice during his final year. So how come Trump does?"

Foreign Markets with Big Barriers

US Immigration and Naturalization Service: If you're yearning to breath free...Get Out.

'Our admission policy is now simplicity itself. If you have the tuition, you're in.'

'Let's just wait here until the federal stimulus returns.'

'I've been called some mean things as a baby boomer, but 'Pig in the Python' really hurts.'

"Hiring someone to replace me and then expecting me to train him just doesn't sit well with me."

Our Two Parties, Explained

'Well, kids, it all started with a massive Federal program to combat global warming....'

Trump leaving

It's a new government directive requiring us to be 58% more cheerful within 18 months.

"That's not a knife crime initiative. That's a knife crime initiative!"

Think Tank

'The recession is over, again.'

Economy

Roe v. Wade

'And we have an employee wellness program. By not offering health insurance or sick pay, we encourage wellness.'

"The date protection policy is all about access to information, and we all know information is POWER!"

'Not a word to Alfred, but the spare bedroom is worth losing the fourteen pounds!'

"Take special note of the change to our policy on honesty."

Sybil Obama

'Neither a lender nor a borrower be.'

"We may have to rob from the rich AND the poor."

Keep the econoimy moving

Pre-Old Blues

Bureau of Disappearing Civil Liberties.

"I liked it better when it was 'don't ask, don't tell the New York Times'."

'Staffers don't report we're managing decline. They report we met our targets and did out job!'

'Don't worry! Since 28% of my salary goes to the government, I've decided to work 72% of the time!'

'No way! To fund health, education and welfare, we'd be forced to tax oil companies!'

survival of the fittest

IRS: The country is broke, but your taxes cannot be construed as 'Charity to the Poor'.