Unintentional Comedian Gifts

'We're a non-profit organisation. We didn't plan it that way, but that's how it worked out.'

"The key is to keep the momentum going when you're establishing the base of the snowman..."

'Will you Stop calling me!'

"Again? This is the last time I'm letting you wear the pants with the little zipper."

Child laughs while making farting sound under arm. Dad says, 'Isn't it nice when they find something they're good at?

"Idea?" "No. Just a light bulb."

Newark by Night. A new Dutch restaurant just opened. What do you know about Dutch cuisine? Nothing. But I'm a big fan of the "Dutch Treat" concept.

"Am I sensing fear?"

The circus diver.

"He can never take anything serious. Everything's a joke."

'...Plus $847.93 for replacing our front door....'

"If I wanted your opinion I would have hauled you in for questioning."

"Relax, Marge! I'm sure the folks at 'Ultimate Pirate Adventures'. . ."

"These are smart socks. They will crawl themselves to the clothes hamper when you throw them on the floor. Make sure they're charged before wearing them."

"Well they are fake ducks, Honey, but not quite decoyish enough."

"Ahhh! Ha-ha! Exactly what I said when I was pulled over. Dipstick!"

"Larry does all his own stunts."

'What's your poisson?' (Man reading report on Farmed Salmon Toxins Scare).

Bathing and Showering.

'There's nothing good to eat!'

"Repeat after me... We are vegan... We are vegan..."

Canoeing Incorrectly

'People say I don't listen to other's opinions. That's not true, is it Binky?'

"I blacked out for ten minutes this morning - Then I realised I had put my hoodie on backwards."

Whoever said "Brevity is the soul of wit" must have not read many tweets!

"I would have thought you'd be pleased."

'Hell's freezing over. The only thing I can figure is McWit Construction actually finished a job on time.'

'You can't come in to play unless you wear cushions on your feet - My Dad's got a headache!'

"Maybe you just can't tell a joke."

'But, there must be some mistake. I don't want to buy the school.'

'I'll pay double for half as much.'

"Can you hear me now?"

Deadly Sins Dept. Envy. Lust. Sloth. Pride. Greed. Wrath. Gluttony. At times it seems like it should be, but "oversharing" is not a deadly sin.

"Good morning, world!"

Uncomfortably open Mike night.