Undercover Comedian Gifts

"I had no idea the awards ceremony was today."

"Again? This is the last time I'm letting you wear the pants with the little zipper."

Child laughs while making farting sound under arm. Dad says, 'Isn't it nice when they find something they're good at?

"Idea?" "No. Just a light bulb."

"Say Bernie, how come this little guy's been following you around all week?"

'And at what stage did you realise the ball you were heading was on the TV?'

'Darn those neighbors. A cookie's missing.'

'The results of your physical exam are fine, except for your reflexes: They're more 'dog-like' than 'cat-like'.'

"Am I sensing fear?"

"The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil clowns is that good clowns do nothing."

'But I think my strongest asset as an employee is my aversion to pretense, coupled with an unwavering commitment to a regular-guy persona!'

'You sloth and gluttony guys have it easy -- I'm here for envy!'

'Inside Ralph is a comedienne crying to get out.'

'For Sale by Neighbor'

"He can never take anything serious. Everything's a joke."

'The trick to scaring surfers is to only show your dorsal fin when you surface next to them...'

"If I wanted your opinion I would have hauled you in for questioning."

Bloke orders a pizza as Jesus divides the loafs and fishes

"Well they are fake ducks, Honey, but not quite decoyish enough."

"Ahhh! Ha-ha! Exactly what I said when I was pulled over. Dipstick!"

"Then we just cut the cartoons with a little more baby laxative."

"Oh, sorry—I think I just butt-summoned you."

"Repeat after me... We are vegan... We are vegan..."

Ferguson, Bramley, Osgood & Holt - Big Frogs in a Small Pond.

Canoeing Incorrectly

'People say I don't listen to other's opinions. That's not true, is it Binky?'

"I blacked out for ten minutes this morning - Then I realised I had put my hoodie on backwards."

A frat party at an online university

"Thank you for participating in this poll, but because your answers do not coincide with your social media rantings, you're obviously lying."

'Wrong fork. Good Lord, man, don't you have any table manners?'

'You can't come in to play unless you wear cushions on your feet - My Dad's got a headache!'

'That filet mignon was supposed to be your last meal? Whoops-a-daisy!'

And what will it be today? The mask of comedy or tragedy?

"Maybe you just can't tell a joke."