Undercover Comedian Gifts

"I had no idea the awards ceremony was today."

"Again? This is the last time I'm letting you wear the pants with the little zipper."

Child laughs while making farting sound under arm. Dad says, 'Isn't it nice when they find something they're good at?

"Idea?" "No. Just a light bulb."

"Say Bernie, how come this little guy's been following you around all week?"

'And at what stage did you realise the ball you were heading was on the TV?'

'Darn those neighbors. A cookie's missing.'

'The results of your physical exam are fine, except for your reflexes: They're more 'dog-like' than 'cat-like'.'

"Am I sensing fear?"

Newark by Night. A new Dutch restaurant just opened. What do you know about Dutch cuisine? Nothing. But I'm a big fan of the "Dutch Treat" concept.

'You sloth and gluttony guys have it easy -- I'm here for envy!'

'But I think my strongest asset as an employee is my aversion to pretense, coupled with an unwavering commitment to a regular-guy persona!'

"The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil clowns is that good clowns do nothing."

'Inside Ralph is a comedienne crying to get out.'

'For Sale by Neighbor'

"If I wanted your opinion I would have hauled you in for questioning."

'The trick to scaring surfers is to only show your dorsal fin when you surface next to them...'

"He can never take anything serious. Everything's a joke."

Bloke orders a pizza as Jesus divides the loafs and fishes

"Relax, Marge! I'm sure the folks at 'Ultimate Pirate Adventures'. . ."

"Well they are fake ducks, Honey, but not quite decoyish enough."

"Ahhh! Ha-ha! Exactly what I said when I was pulled over. Dipstick!"

"Then we just cut the cartoons with a little more baby laxative."

"Oh, sorry—I think I just butt-summoned you."

"Repeat after me... We are vegan... We are vegan..."

Canoeing Incorrectly

"I blacked out for ten minutes this morning - Then I realised I had put my hoodie on backwards."

Ferguson, Bramley, Osgood & Holt - Big Frogs in a Small Pond.

'People say I don't listen to other's opinions. That's not true, is it Binky?'

A frat party at an online university

"Thank you for participating in this poll, but because your answers do not coincide with your social media rantings, you're obviously lying."

'Wrong fork. Good Lord, man, don't you have any table manners?'

'That filet mignon was supposed to be your last meal? Whoops-a-daisy!'

"Maybe you just can't tell a joke."

And what will it be today? The mask of comedy or tragedy?