Underworld Humorist Gifts

'Wrong fork. Good Lord, man, don't you have any table manners?'

You've been so grouchy since you quit smoking.

"Just another 50 decibels on your grunt and we can start to think about letting you hit a few balls!"

'Okay, is there anybody else whose homework ate their dog?'

'This is one of our most recent vintages!'

A tortoise toboggans down a hill in its shell

Don't swallow. I've lost a contact.

'He's a superior breed - He always drinks thru' a straw!'

'Thou shalt not steal...except for bases.'

"Eat not of the fruit of the Tree of Knowledge. Its sources have yet to be verified."

"Walk, hell- I gotta dance."

"Go ahead. Press one for more options."

'But you know I don't have brand loyalty for anyone but you!'

"I don't know what else we can do. He won't look up from the screen!"

'He attained Nirvana in two weeks? - he's GOTTA be using steroids!'

"Did you get my tweet?"

"Do you see that inexplicably beautiful hydrangea over there?… Nature calls."

A man sees Zeus throwing lightning bolts on the balcony of his apartment.

Glance Exchange

Atomic Bear: Part 21

"She likes to be included, so I told her the tea is called 'Squirrel Grey.'"

"After the drugstore, I need you to find fresh parmesan."

"Someone throw him a punchline!"

I put a picture of my lunch on Facebook, and nobody hit "like." Who doesn't like Slim Jims and beer?

"It's just a tree."

"How about a hand."

"I'll have you know that, '#dirtylitterbox' is trending on Twitter."

Competitive Eating Competition Competitive Vomiting Competition,

STRIP God' s dog urinating on planet Earth

Science fiction fans on other planets

"As Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from restless dreams, transformed into a monstrous vermin, he thought to himself: never again bourbon and tequila in the same night, and this time, I mean it."

"I just edited your Wikipedia entry." "Big whoop." "What a coincidence, that's what scientists have classified you as: Bigwhoop." "...The much grumpier, much louder, and much, much older second cousin of Bigfoot." "You lousy son of a..." "Wait... thank you. That's very flattering."

'This is a wind-up, isn't it?'

"Staring down the enemy in the heat of battle! That is how sausage is made!"

'You can't come in here with that.'