Otherworldly Humorist Gifts

'Hey you earthling! Today is the last day of your life!' - Hello Houston... Something is telling me this is the last day of my life!

"I love it when they come with warning labels."

'Houston, I'm prepared to land...'

"Abduction 101, when abducting eggs from a primitive planet always lower the temperature in the ship!"

"Good Lord! Life on Mars...adorable life on Mars!"

"I agree, the place was a tear-down, but I just remembered we were only renting it."

"The following program was made possible by fluctuations in the random chaos of the Universe...."

God Sneezes Out Creation

MUSHROOM MASACRE.

'You've orbited the Earth in a NASA spacecraft! Wow! Me, I've jumped over the Moon...'

"Day 4,261... I don’t know how much longer I can survive. Still no signs of civilization. Food is scarce and I fear the wound on my ankle is infected. Still, all this pales in comparison to the horror of having to be anywhere at any particular time."

"Eww - that whale's breath smells awful!" "You could use a breath mint yourself, lady!"

Grim Reaper Buying CDs...

"The universe is expanding! Of course I'm expanding too!"

Clown God

'...heard the one about the Venusian, the Martian and the Saturnian?'

Man at penthouse party walks out onto terrace and is startled to see the Earth, instead of the moon, shining in the sky.

"I condensed my painting to the pure essence of the message. What helps me a lot is the fact that I've got nothing to say at all."

Alien uses astronaut's visor as TV to watch news.

'I'm no expert, but I think we're a little behind when it comes to the latest industry technology.'

' It's a bit of an anti climax - I've washed it but I can't go any where ! '

"Before vaporizing this one, we need to file an environmental impact report."

"Remember when we kicked him off Mars?"

"Staring down the enemy in the heat of battle! That is how sausage is made!"

"She's a dachshund-lemming mix."

"It's always the same: We go eons without seeing each other, I think I'm finally over it, and then...WHAM! I get pulled into her orbit again!"

"I'm so sorry I let you talk me into letting you take your pet along on this trip!"

'The stage hypnotist was great, he regressed Jeff to a previous life, and discovered that he was a layabout then, too.'

'Mom, Dad... we found out that in a previous life, Sheila was a dog and I was a tree. That's why we decided to marry to continue this promising relationship!'

"Pendleton, as of noon today your services will no longer be required. Meanwhile, keep up the good work."

Black Hole Research Institute - Office only has IN tray - no OUT tray.

"Are you the one they call El Cóndor?"

"Is there someone other than Trump I can speak to? I didn't come all this way to talk to an idiot!"

'Three zillion, five hundred trillion and sixty seven billion light years from Zog and now you tell me you've forgot to cancel the milk!'

"I'm thinking of leaving these crowded condos and going to a place that's been deserted for years...the mall."