Intergalactic Humorist Gifts

'Be home by eleven and stay away from earth!! All that place is good for is fighting and killing!!'

'The source of the Perseid meteor shower isn't quite what I expected.'

These humans are very primitive...some of them still judge eachother on the basis of their SKIN PIGMENTATION!

Astronaut notices sign on alien planet for lost luggage.

"Our planet no longer wants to receive email from yours."

"Remember when we kicked him off Mars?"

"Before vaporizing this one, we need to file an environmental impact report."

"We're running low on Lithium Power, Captain! I've flipped them around and now I'm rubbing them but they've not got much juice left!"

Mars probe discovers life similar to earth.

'Ms Grimski, prepare to invade earth.'

In The Universe Only Two Places Exist Where Time Is Infinitely Extendible.

Personnel - Equal Opportunities Employer.

Small laughing space creatures.

'You're so insecure. You always abduct morons, just so you can feel superior.'

'Cut me off if I start ordering Marstinis.'

quick back to the spaceship

'What do you mean you're only human?? That's no excuse for running a red light!!'

"We've agreed, then—earthlings cannot join the Intergalactic Federation until they've improved the quality of their sitcoms."

'Houston, I'm prepared to land...'

"Abduction 101, when abducting eggs from a primitive planet always lower the temperature in the ship!"

"Good Lord! Life on Mars...adorable life on Mars!"

The aliens froze, gripped by a primal fear. This time there would be no abduction.

God Sneezes Out Creation

'Actually, we were hoping you guys would have the solution to all our problems.'

'You've orbited the Earth in a NASA spacecraft! Wow! Me, I've jumped over the Moon...'

'...heard the one about the Venusian, the Martian and the Saturnian?'

Clown God

"The universe is expanding! Of course I'm expanding too!"

Man at penthouse party walks out onto terrace and is startled to see the Earth, instead of the moon, shining in the sky.

Alien uses astronaut's visor as TV to watch news.

'...and at this point I'm afraid the tax laws become totally theoretical.'

"It's always the same: We go eons without seeing each other, I think I'm finally over it, and then...WHAM! I get pulled into her orbit again!"

"I'm so sorry I let you talk me into letting you take your pet along on this trip!"

Black Hole Research Institute - Office only has IN tray - no OUT tray.

"We've come all this way to destroy their planet only to find they're doing it themselves!!!"