Underworld Humorist T-Shirts

'Wrong fork. Good Lord, man, don't you have any table manners?'

You've been so grouchy since you quit smoking.

"Just another 50 decibels on your grunt and we can start to think about letting you hit a few balls!"

'Okay, is there anybody else whose homework ate their dog?'

A tortoise toboggans down a hill in its shell

'This is one of our most recent vintages!'

Don't swallow. I've lost a contact.

'Thou shalt not steal...except for bases.'

'He's a superior breed - He always drinks thru' a straw!'

"Walk, hell- I gotta dance."

'But you know I don't have brand loyalty for anyone but you!'

"Go ahead. Press one for more options."

"I don't know what else we can do. He won't look up from the screen!"

'He attained Nirvana in two weeks? - he's GOTTA be using steroids!'

"Someone throw him a punchline!"

A man sees Zeus throwing lightning bolts on the balcony of his apartment.

"After the drugstore, I need you to find fresh parmesan."

Glance Exchange

"Did you get my tweet?"

"Do you see that inexplicably beautiful hydrangea over there?… Nature calls."

"She likes to be included, so I told her the tea is called 'Squirrel Grey.'"

"As Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from restless dreams, transformed into a monstrous vermin, he thought to himself: never again bourbon and tequila in the same night, and this time, I mean it."

STRIP God' s dog urinating on planet Earth

"How about a hand."

Science fiction fans on other planets

"It's just a tree."

"I just edited your Wikipedia entry." "Big whoop." "What a coincidence, that's what scientists have classified you as: Bigwhoop." "...The much grumpier, much louder, and much, much older second cousin of Bigfoot." "You lousy son of a..." "Wait... thank you. That's very flattering."

Competitive Eating Competition Competitive Vomiting Competition,

"Staring down the enemy in the heat of battle! That is how sausage is made!"

'This is a wind-up, isn't it?'

'You can't come in here with that.'

'The Lemming Book Store'