Tongue-tied Comic Gifts

'I suppose your wife doesn't understand you.'

No-Work Orange

"First I drink, then I barbecue — that's my secret."

Robinson decided to name him 'Casual Friday'.

"Microwave to replace gas or oil central heating?" "Yes. Think how cheap it is to microwave a cup of tea!"

Do it yourself books.

Procrastinators Incorporated

'Economic indicators are down, but cheer up! The history revisionists will turn this into 'the good old days'...'

'Marriage? With all your pre-existing conditions Reggie, my HMO would never approve of you'

Shall I be mother?

'I'd like the tongue, please.'

'I'm fairly certain it's, what we call in the medical profession, a 'snake'.'

Husband / Wife / On The Side

"Hail to thee, blithe spirit!"

'Great now put the company logo on the togas and make the building in back look like the Parthenon.'

"I appreciate you asking for directions. But how reliable is 'Just follow your nose!' from a toucan?"

Having asked for some 'bruisers' to bruise oats for feeding horses, Mr. Haycock gets sent the 'Whitechaple Chicken' and the 'Bayswater Slasher'

Roman Golfer.

'On the plus side, you won't have to worry about me getting into an expensive college.'

Grump Horse and Rider

'May I recommend the ketchup '06,sir?'

"I'm sorry you decided to leave us! I will really miss your wife at our company parties!"

The Cheshire Dog.

"No Bald Games"

"If you like the baby pictures you should see the 'Making Of' video!"

"It's a thongbird."

"Bitch."

'If it walks like a duck, and it quacks like a duck, it's a genetically modified potato.'

'I wish they hadn't voted out instant replay.'

"I bet if it hadn't smoked, it'd still be alive."

'This tongue transplant I had with fly paper is great.'

"We've travelled the world looking for our next C.E.O., as was foretold in our corporate legends. We think your little Tim might be that C.E.O."

"Come on and pay for the shopping like a man."

Tongue Tied.

"Have you tried hitting the rewind button?"