Tongue-in-cheek Humorist Gifts

'It's time for your sentence. Which wrist would you like to be slapped on?'

'Economic indicators are down, but cheer up! The history revisionists will turn this into 'the good old days'...'

'The gentleman would like to buy you a drink if you'll follow him on twitter, and I'd be really grateful if you didn't explain what that means.'

'Have a drink with me tonight.'

'May I recommend the ketchup '06,sir?'

'Regarding the furniture, I blame the catnip and I'm entering rehab.'

"I appreciate you asking for directions. But how reliable is 'Just follow your nose!' from a toucan?"

"Hail to thee, blithe spirit!"

"...and what line of work are you not in?"

'Great now put the company logo on the togas and make the building in back look like the Parthenon.'

'Look, just because I work for you, doesn't mean that I like you sir.'

'And this is a braille message for the blind.'

Make a Snowflake

'You've made me all hot, but I still don't feel very horny.'

" Lady... I didn't say nuthin'!!"

"No Bald Games"

As you know by now know, we received dozens of replies to our request for suggestions to rename Rudy Park's generation. Today, we announce the third-place runners-up. That selection goes to a handful of readers who deemed Rudy's peer group Generation E for entitlement or entitled. Thoughts? I thought he E referred to easy to saddle with the deficit, you cheapskate curmudgeons! What do you think of that?! Solid retort. But we though enough to give it third place. Tomorrow: Our runners-up are anno

The Cheshire Dog.

"It that gluten free?"

Husband / Wife / On The Side

"First I drink, then I barbecue — that's my secret."

No-Work Orange

Nobody mourned Sir Dad-Joke.

Procrastinators Incorporated

'Marriage? With all your pre-existing conditions Reggie, my HMO would never approve of you'

Shall I be mother?

"It's not just me, Dad. Amazon.com has never made a cent, either."

'I'm fairly certain it's, what we call in the medical profession, a 'snake'.'

'This service has been brought back in house and outsourced numerous times, I propose that as the contract is up for renewal again we consider 'shaking it all about''

The Three Doctors.

Having asked for some 'bruisers' to bruise oats for feeding horses, Mr. Haycock gets sent the 'Whitechaple Chicken' and the 'Bayswater Slasher'

Roman Golfer.

"Seriously...girls have their own language!"

'On the plus side, you won't have to worry about me getting into an expensive college.'

"If you like the baby pictures you should see the 'Making Of' video!"