Tongue-in-cheek Humor Gifts

"The way I look at it, drinking alcohol may never solve anything. . . but neither did drinking milk!"

No-Work Orange

"First I drink, then I barbecue — that's my secret."

Robinson decided to name him 'Casual Friday'.

Do it yourself books.

Procrastinators Incorporated

'Economic indicators are down, but cheer up! The history revisionists will turn this into 'the good old days'...'

'Marriage? With all your pre-existing conditions Reggie, my HMO would never approve of you'

Shall I be mother?

"It's not just me, Dad. Amazon.com has never made a cent, either."

'I'm fairly certain it's, what we call in the medical profession, a 'snake'.'

"Hail to thee, blithe spirit!"

'Great now put the company logo on the togas and make the building in back look like the Parthenon.'

Husband / Wife / On The Side

"I appreciate you asking for directions. But how reliable is 'Just follow your nose!' from a toucan?"

Having asked for some 'bruisers' to bruise oats for feeding horses, Mr. Haycock gets sent the 'Whitechaple Chicken' and the 'Bayswater Slasher'

The Three Doctors.

Roman Golfer.

'May I recommend the ketchup '06,sir?'

"Seriously...girls have their own language!"

The Cheshire Dog.

"I'm sorry you decided to leave us! I will really miss your wife at our company parties!"

"No Bald Games"

"If you like the baby pictures you should see the 'Making Of' video!"

"It's a thongbird."

'This tongue transplant I had with fly paper is great.'

"I bet if it hadn't smoked, it'd still be alive."

"Bitch."

"All our vegetables are well done. It's a return to the old values."

'I wish they hadn't voted out instant replay.'

"We've travelled the world looking for our next C.E.O., as was foretold in our corporate legends. We think your little Tim might be that C.E.O."

"Come on and pay for the shopping like a man."

Tommy, I have a question for you. I didn't do nothin'. We're missing a scone. Now, no one's accusing you of anything. I swear, you've got the wrong guy. I definitely didn't take a scone when you went to check email because I was super hungry. You have the right to remain silent. I did it!

"Why feel bad? We do actually need to eat, and they'll never even know there was a twin."

'Come on...you can't all have hayfever in the middle of winter.'