Tongue-in-cheek Jokester Gifts

"If you like the baby pictures you should see the 'Making Of' video!"

'You may have misunderstood about Yompville being a country club prison.'

Kid in time-out writes 'it was the best of time out...'

"It's partly my fault he's been ignoring me lately. I'm the one who gave him the laser pointer."

It's an autobiography of a guy who spent his whole life trying to get his first @#^& book published. Editor.

Procrastinators Incorporated

'Economic indicators are down, but cheer up! The history revisionists will turn this into 'the good old days'...'

'Marriage? With all your pre-existing conditions Reggie, my HMO would never approve of you'

"Remember that ultimately we must answer to Chairs."

I think he's joking. "Placebo" can't be a real medical science term. It sounds like a funny name for a clown.

Shall I be mother?

"Tongue twisters! These are hard to say! A skunk sat on a stump and thunk the stump stunk, but the stump thunk the skunk stunk."

'I'm fairly certain it's, what we call in the medical profession, a 'snake'.'

'This painting's in very poor taste.' 'Yes. It's from his sour grapes period.'

'Hey,mom-have you seen my pet frog?'

"Hail to thee, blithe spirit!"

'If you cut back on children, at least try to eat them before they nibble on your house.'

"I appreciate you asking for directions. But how reliable is 'Just follow your nose!' from a toucan?"

'You're breaking up...please text me.'

Husband / Wife / On The Side

'Great now put the company logo on the togas and make the building in back look like the Parthenon.'

Coulda Woulda Shoulda.

"It's a brovella about my life in the frat. But if it's longer than two hundred pages it becomes a brahvel."

Having asked for some 'bruisers' to bruise oats for feeding horses, Mr. Haycock gets sent the 'Whitechaple Chicken' and the 'Bayswater Slasher'

'And that one painted and forgot to close the curtains.'

'Tender and Juicy.'

Roman Golfer.

"Hey you. I can't get in your house because nobody drew a fireplace or chimney. Not my fault, dude. Well, maybe next year. Ho, ho, ho."

"If we were really best friends, you would be fetching my slippers once in awhile."

'May I recommend the ketchup '06,sir?'

'Good morning, 'DICTIONARIES' department for, like, Similes.'

'Someday, you'll be a big star!'

The Cheshire Dog.

"No Bald Games"

"An olive or a twist?"