Tongue-in-cheek Joker Gifts

Tommy, I have a question for you. I didn't do nothin'. We're missing a scone. Now, no one's accusing you of anything. I swear, you've got the wrong guy. I definitely didn't take a scone when you went to check email because I was super hungry. You have the right to remain silent. I did it!

"Bitch."

"First I drink, then I barbecue — that's my secret."

Robinson decided to name him 'Casual Friday'.

Nobody mourned Sir Dad-Joke.

Procrastinators Incorporated

'Marriage? With all your pre-existing conditions Reggie, my HMO would never approve of you'

'Economic indicators are down, but cheer up! The history revisionists will turn this into 'the good old days'...'

"It's not just me, Dad. Amazon.com has never made a cent, either."

Time Table

'I'm fairly certain it's, what we call in the medical profession, a 'snake'.'

Husband / Wife / On The Side

"I appreciate you asking for directions. But how reliable is 'Just follow your nose!' from a toucan?"

"Hail to thee, blithe spirit!"

'Great now put the company logo on the togas and make the building in back look like the Parthenon.'

'This service has been brought back in house and outsourced numerous times, I propose that as the contract is up for renewal again we consider 'shaking it all about''

"Tia Carmen, there are Spanish knock-knock jokes! But you're supposed to say 'toc-toc.'"

Having asked for some 'bruisers' to bruise oats for feeding horses, Mr. Haycock gets sent the 'Whitechaple Chicken' and the 'Bayswater Slasher'

Roman Golfer.

'May I recommend the ketchup '06,sir?'

"Seriously...girls have their own language!"

"I'm sorry you decided to leave us! I will really miss your wife at our company parties!"

"No Bald Games"

"If you like the baby pictures you should see the 'Making Of' video!"

The Cheshire Dog.

"We've travelled the world looking for our next C.E.O., as was foretold in our corporate legends. We think your little Tim might be that C.E.O."

"How nice to be misunderstood in more than one language!"

"Come on and pay for the shopping like a man."

"Why feel bad? We do actually need to eat, and they'll never even know there was a twin."

"The way I look at it, drinking alcohol may never solve anything. . . but neither did drinking milk!"

Nothing burgers. Word salad. Knuckle sandwiches.

As you know by now know, we received dozens of replies to our request for suggestions to rename Rudy Park's generation. Today, we announce the third-place runners-up. That selection goes to a handful of readers who deemed Rudy's peer group Generation E for entitlement or entitled. Thoughts? I thought he E referred to easy to saddle with the deficit, you cheapskate curmudgeons! What do you think of that?! Solid retort. But we though enough to give it third place. Tomorrow: Our runners-up are anno

'You want five dollars to buy a cup of coffee?', 'Yeah -- I want to have it at 'Hooters.''

'The gentleman would like to buy you a drink if you'll follow him on twitter, and I'd be really grateful if you didn't explain what that means.'

Why do you have an empty beer can hanging from the ceiling? Because it's hard to find mistletoe in April.