Linguistic Joker Gifts

'Today the dollar rose on news the yuan, yen, rupee and baht are difficult to pronounce.'

Time Table

ConDescending

"Together ideas for couples" "Slap a sandwich together" "Put two and two together" "Pull themselves together" "Rub two sticks together" "Try to hold it together" "String a phrase together"

"Sorry I'm late. I overslept." "Is that even a real word?"

"My wife thought the phrase 'stick it to the man' meant everyone, hence we're divorced. My new girlfriend and I met at a party. She's krazy, man. We bonded right away and now she's pregnant. It's a squeeze top. My brother's in rehab for sniffing. He never could get his nose out of my business."

'Technically, I was making fun of your writing ability.'

"I must insist on my lawyer present."

"My nephew Jack here can say ‘I’m unemployed’ in seven languages."

"I was downgraded to junk status at work today."

Fred's new phone plan included unlimited Dada.

A man looking into a mirror saying "HA!"; his reflection looking back at him from the mirror is saying "!AH".

"The trouble with spelling rules is that they impede creativity."

Supermarket: Leafs, Rail Leafs

'Actually, I think my use of hyperbole is not only iconoclastic, it is potentially revolutionary.'

'It just doesn't get any beta than this.'

Wordplay: Mandate - Escort Agency.

Bill Johnson 1914-2000: Server Timed Out.

"Tongue twisters! These are hard to say! A skunk sat on a stump and thunk the stump stunk, but the stump thunk the skunk stunk."

Cowboy in Old West boasts of having shot a guy for ending a sentence in a preposition.

'Warspeak department' making up new military terminology.

"Pansexual"

'Hi, your IT section sent me to test the network sockets.'

'Let me put this in dog terms: Woof! Woof! Bark! Bark! Bow-wow-wow!'

'Try hitting him harder.' 'Is that all you have to say?' 'Try hitting him harder, PLEASE.'

"Turn to page 12 for our non-binary singalong."

"The nomenclature of 'political correctness' is devisive and opens the profession to ridicule!"

'Turner don't use that expression 'Pie int he sky' its sounds ridiculous and don't point!'

A day in the life of a serial mis-pronouncer.

"I don't want them overexcited,so we don't say T-R-E-A-T around Buddy or B-E-E-R around Bob."

Bomb Pronouns

'Thank you for calling the bullpen,,, To continue in English, Press one,,,'