Linguistic Joker Gifts

'Today the dollar rose on news the yuan, yen, rupee and baht are difficult to pronounce.'

'I believe she works for Médecins Sans Derrières.'

Time Table

Nothing burgers. Word salad. Knuckle sandwiches.

ConDescending

"Together ideas for couples" "Slap a sandwich together" "Put two and two together" "Pull themselves together" "Rub two sticks together" "Try to hold it together" "String a phrase together"

Torturing the English Language

"Sorry I'm late. I overslept." "Is that even a real word?"

'Technically, I was making fun of your writing ability.'

"My wife thought the phrase 'stick it to the man' meant everyone, hence we're divorced. My new girlfriend and I met at a party. She's krazy, man. We bonded right away and now she's pregnant. It's a squeeze top. My brother's in rehab for sniffing. He never could get his nose out of my business."

"My nephew Jack here can say ‘I’m unemployed’ in seven languages."

"I must insist on my lawyer present."

"I was downgraded to junk status at work today."

Fred's new phone plan included unlimited Dada.

A man looking into a mirror saying "HA!"; his reflection looking back at him from the mirror is saying "!AH".

"The trouble with spelling rules is that they impede creativity."

'I'll try to keep my remarks brief.'

'Actually, I think my use of hyperbole is not only iconoclastic, it is potentially revolutionary.'

Supermarket: Leafs, Rail Leafs

Psychiatry. I have an irrational fear of words like "and," "or," "but" and "if"! And, conjunctivitis!

Reading: Phonics. Using phonics, you learn to read by the sounds of letters. Any questions? Yes. Why does "phonics" begin with "p-h" and not with "f"?

'It just doesn't get any beta than this.'

An English and French student converse.

Wordplay: Mandate - Escort Agency.

"Tongue twisters! These are hard to say! A skunk sat on a stump and thunk the stump stunk, but the stump thunk the skunk stunk."

Bill Johnson 1914-2000: Server Timed Out.

Cowboy in Old West boasts of having shot a guy for ending a sentence in a preposition.

'Warspeak department' making up new military terminology.

'Hi, your IT section sent me to test the network sockets.'

'Try hitting him harder.' 'Is that all you have to say?' 'Try hitting him harder, PLEASE.'

"Turn to page 12 for our non-binary singalong."

Frank, how is "rhetorical" spelled? Hey, that's a non-rhetorical question!

'Let me put this in dog terms: Woof! Woof! Bark! Bark! Bow-wow-wow!'

"Pansexual"

'Thank you for calling the bullpen,,, To continue in English, Press one,,,'