Tongue-in-cheek Cook Gifts

"First I drink, then I barbecue — that's my secret."

Robinson decided to name him 'Casual Friday'.

Do it yourself books.

Nobody mourned Sir Dad-Joke.

'Marriage? With all your pre-existing conditions Reggie, my HMO would never approve of you'

'Economic indicators are down, but cheer up! The history revisionists will turn this into 'the good old days'...'

Shall I be mother?

'I'm fairly certain it's, what we call in the medical profession, a 'snake'.'

'Great now put the company logo on the togas and make the building in back look like the Parthenon.'

Husband / Wife / On The Side

"I appreciate you asking for directions. But how reliable is 'Just follow your nose!' from a toucan?"

"Hail to thee, blithe spirit!"

'This service has been brought back in house and outsourced numerous times, I propose that as the contract is up for renewal again we consider 'shaking it all about''

Having asked for some 'bruisers' to bruise oats for feeding horses, Mr. Haycock gets sent the 'Whitechaple Chicken' and the 'Bayswater Slasher'

Roman Golfer.

"Seriously...girls have their own language!"

'May I recommend the ketchup '06,sir?'

"I'm sorry you decided to leave us! I will really miss your wife at our company parties!"

"If you like the baby pictures you should see the 'Making Of' video!"

"No Bald Games"

"All our vegetables are well done. It's a return to the old values."

'I wish they hadn't voted out instant replay.'

"Bitch."

'If it walks like a duck, and it quacks like a duck, it's a genetically modified potato.'

'This tongue transplant I had with fly paper is great.'

"We've travelled the world looking for our next C.E.O., as was foretold in our corporate legends. We think your little Tim might be that C.E.O."

"The way I look at it, drinking alcohol may never solve anything. . . but neither did drinking milk!"

"Why feel bad? We do actually need to eat, and they'll never even know there was a twin."

"It's a novelty t-shirt me and the boys designed, Mrs. Patterson!"