Tax Punster Gifts

"This 'laying up treasures in heaven' thing - Is it some kind of tax dodge or what?"

British savings accounts

''...And defend the Constitution of the United States.' -- And now, I'd like to pardon the following Illinois politicians....'

Royal Mail boss to become ITV boss.

"Gimme a large cheeseburger, regular fries and a diet root beer!"

"We live in the golden age of fake news, alternative facts and spin control. Your resume is too truthful."

'My teacher is a man of letters...except A and B.'

"Ugh! They always spell my name wrong?"

'Well, if you're going to order 'left wings' and I'm going to order 'right,' maybe we should just order burgers instead.'

'I'm worried about all these unemployed. They're still on our payroll'

Mail Pattern Baldness - A man with a bald patch in the form of a mailing envelope.

"Let's not try to make this symbolic. Of anything."

'For Sale by Neighbor'

The Contrarian funds

"We'll just have the loaves and fishes. . ."

Statue of Liberty: Out of Service

'I was all ready to deal with the military, but I never expected an IRS coup!'

Ask Sadie. Dear Sadie, I am 62 years old and was fired from my job of 22 years just before xmas 2010. What should I do? Sincerely, Irene. Attack! Stop! Enough, Sadie. Haven't you been listening? The mean-spirited, virulent partisanship of talk show hosts must end. People were hurt and some died. Aren't you the ultimate partisan, you coot? That's different lady! Fasten your seatbelts.

"Read me the one about Ali Obama and the Forty Community Organizers."

"It's one of the positive side effects of the new weight-loss drugs."

Ask Mister Buck: Financial Expert. "Dear Mister Buck, Is it true that 'money talks'?" Yes, and it drowns out everything else!

"I had a wonderful dream that Anonymous turned out to be me."

"We're a pharmaceutical company. We should be getting 'pharm' subsidies."

'Well yes, we lost, but you asked me if I was a Legal Eagle, not if I was a good lawyer...'

Math Jokes

'If straw and sticks don't appeal, I do have something in brick that might interest you.'

Statistics Research: You Can Fool 45% of the People 55% of the time, but you can't fool all the people all the time.

"The house is great, but compared to reality show realtors, you're a big disappointment."

'Scientists claim they have found the 'God Particle'. In a related story, they are still looking for the 'Job Creator Particle'.'

"After careful deliberation, I've decided I can no longer represent you as your lawyer in this case."

'When I said I was going to resign my contract, I meant re-sign my contract for another five years!'

'I need three estimates before I appoint an estate agent.' - 'Right, £120,000, £130,000 and £140,000.'

"I feel that I've been given a unique opportunity to speak out on the issues."

'Your North Pole is wobbling - you should see a spin doctor.'

"You've placed me in a difficult position here, Malcolm."