Tax Punster Pillows

"This 'laying up treasures in heaven' thing - Is it some kind of tax dodge or what?"

British savings accounts

''...And defend the Constitution of the United States.' -- And now, I'd like to pardon the following Illinois politicians....'

Royal Mail boss to become ITV boss.

"Gimme a large cheeseburger, regular fries and a diet root beer!"

"We live in the golden age of fake news, alternative facts and spin control. Your resume is too truthful."

"Ugh! They always spell my name wrong?"

'My teacher is a man of letters...except A and B.'

'Well, if you're going to order 'left wings' and I'm going to order 'right,' maybe we should just order burgers instead.'

'I'm worried about all these unemployed. They're still on our payroll'

Mail Pattern Baldness - A man with a bald patch in the form of a mailing envelope.

"Let's not try to make this symbolic. Of anything."

'For Sale by Neighbor'

The Contrarian funds

"We'll just have the loaves and fishes. . ."

"It's one of the positive side effects of the new weight-loss drugs."

Statue of Liberty: Out of Service

"We're a pharmaceutical company. We should be getting 'pharm' subsidies."

"I had a wonderful dream that Anonymous turned out to be me."

'I was all ready to deal with the military, but I never expected an IRS coup!'

"Read me the one about Ali Obama and the Forty Community Organizers."

'Well yes, we lost, but you asked me if I was a Legal Eagle, not if I was a good lawyer...'

Math Jokes

Statistics Research: You Can Fool 45% of the People 55% of the time, but you can't fool all the people all the time.

'If straw and sticks don't appeal, I do have something in brick that might interest you.'

'Scientists claim they have found the 'God Particle'. In a related story, they are still looking for the 'Job Creator Particle'.'

'When I said I was going to resign my contract, I meant re-sign my contract for another five years!'

"The house is great, but compared to reality show realtors, you're a big disappointment."

'Your North Pole is wobbling - you should see a spin doctor.'

"I feel that I've been given a unique opportunity to speak out on the issues."

'I need three estimates before I appoint an estate agent.' - 'Right, £120,000, £130,000 and £140,000.'

"You've placed me in a difficult position here, Malcolm."

'This is what I mean about inadequate interagency cooperation.'