Financial Punster Gifts

"Didn't you used to manage our mutual fund?"

'Aren't you afraid of inaccuracies on your credit report?'

Acupuncturist - 'Please enter your pin'.

'There's been no confirmation, but the possible merger of two giants has sent stock prices soaring.'

"Extinction? Relax. We're too big to fail."

'Yes, they do have magnetic strips, but no, iron supplements don't cause you to be attracted to credit cards.'

The Contrarian funds

Boy: 'Oh YEAH?! Well my dad's Mortgage is BIGGER than YOUR dad's!

"Your broker has 'comped' your meals."

'Things seem to be very quiet at the moment.'

'I think I'm suffering from fiscal tightening.'

'I assumed this is where the market headed south, but GPS says 'southeast'.'

"Well, I changed the signs. Now you can enter your office. Thanks for waiting, sir."

"I'd like to file a defamation suit. 'Bear markets' is a derogatory term."

"We're a very small international conglomerate."

'A representative from Merrill Lynch to see you.'

'So, paternity leave problem solved then?'

"Now that's how to declare a dividend!"

'The days here are six months long... you'll love the daytrading.'

'Smith, where exactly did you get your experience in 'Hedge Fund Management'?'

"Yes, the market did advance this week, Rebecca, but we feel it's somewhat of a 'dead-cat bounce.'"

Escaping Black Hole - '..But captain that's the pensions black hole there is no escape!'

'Just this once, but I want a piece of the action.'

'There's a bear on line one and a bull on line two. Who do you want me to put through first?'

A good executive is known by the company he keeps solvent.

"My company's board members all told me the vision statement I wrote is really blurry."

"We're a pharmaceutical company. We should be getting 'pharm' subsidies."

"It's one of the positive side effects of the new weight-loss drugs."

"I'm in here...reallocating Dad's retirement account into junk bonds."

Math Jokes

'Give it to me straight, Doc - just how long-term should my long-term investments be?'

"I take it you'l like to open joint accounts. . ."

"I'd love to help but at the moment I'm saddled with this enormous mortgage."

Calls of the Wild: Moose Call, Coyote Call and Margin Call.

"Although the collection plate appears to be half full, our accountant assures me that it is half empty."