Portfolio Punster Gifts

'Before the smart money leaves the market, we need to get the dumb money into the market. Here's a list of un-savvy investors to call.'

"We're a very small international conglomerate."

"Okay, money doesn't make you happy. So how about commodity futures?"

"Ugh! They always spell my name wrong?"

'For Sale by Neighbor'

The Contrarian funds

'The days here are six months long... you'll love the daytrading.'

"Right now I'm mostly in cash."

Pig philosophy class - 'I'm pink, therefore I'm ham'

'I sure wish there was a formula for picking the right mutual fund!'

Have you seen my money?

"We're a pharmaceutical company. We should be getting 'pharm' subsidies."

"My company's board members all told me the vision statement I wrote is really blurry."

'I'd never bite the hand that feeds me - but I won't pull its finger, either.'

"It's one of the positive side effects of the new weight-loss drugs."

First Little Piggy Investment Associates

'That's the trouble with theae Chinese stocks -- an hour later you want to invest again.'

Math Jokes

'Give it to me straight, Doc - just how long-term should my long-term investments be?'

"The house is great, but compared to reality show realtors, you're a big disappointment."

'If straw and sticks don't appeal, I do have something in brick that might interest you.'

'I need three estimates before I appoint an estate agent.' - 'Right, £120,000, £130,000 and £140,000.'

'I think therefore I ham.'

Common stock, Preferred stock, Private stock.

'There's been no confirmation, but the possible merger of two giants has sent stock prices soaring.'

Wall Street walking traffic sign flashes 'Worry' and 'Don't Worry.'

'Before you get into the market, Mr. Root, we need to test your pain threshold!'

"Why does my investment portfolio have a toe tag?"

'Ms. Booth, your portfolio is full of sound and fury signifying zero returns.'

"No thanks. I'm not interested in being the, 'official prophet of the NFL.'"

Professional Cell Phone Accessories

'I'm the veterinarian of Cheshire who spays and neuters Cheshire pets.'

'I checked the math, Dear, and Lady Godiva actually raises property values.'

'Yes, that will work as an elevator pitch...if your potential client works in a skyscraper...'