Portfolio Punster Gifts

'Before the smart money leaves the market, we need to get the dumb money into the market. Here's a list of un-savvy investors to call.'

'I see you've renamed your portfolios Moe, Larry and Curley.'

"We're a very small international conglomerate."

"Okay, money doesn't make you happy. So how about commodity futures?"

"Ugh! They always spell my name wrong?"

'For Sale by Neighbor'

'The days here are six months long... you'll love the daytrading.'

The Contrarian funds

"Right now I'm mostly in cash."

'I sure wish there was a formula for picking the right mutual fund!'

Pig philosophy class - 'I'm pink, therefore I'm ham'

Have you seen my money?

"We're a pharmaceutical company. We should be getting 'pharm' subsidies."

First Little Piggy Investment Associates

"My company's board members all told me the vision statement I wrote is really blurry."

Ask Mister Buck: Financial Expert. "Dear Mister Buck, Is it true that 'money talks'?" Yes, and it drowns out everything else!

'I'd never bite the hand that feeds me - but I won't pull its finger, either.'

"It's one of the positive side effects of the new weight-loss drugs."

'That's the trouble with theae Chinese stocks -- an hour later you want to invest again.'

Math Jokes

"The house is great, but compared to reality show realtors, you're a big disappointment."

'Give it to me straight, Doc - just how long-term should my long-term investments be?'

'If straw and sticks don't appeal, I do have something in brick that might interest you.'

'I need three estimates before I appoint an estate agent.' - 'Right, £120,000, £130,000 and £140,000.'

'I think therefore I ham.'

"Forget keeping all your eggs in one basket. What you need is a nest egg..."

Common stock, Preferred stock, Private stock.

'There's been no confirmation, but the possible merger of two giants has sent stock prices soaring.'

Wall Street walking traffic sign flashes 'Worry' and 'Don't Worry.'

'Before you get into the market, Mr. Root, we need to test your pain threshold!'

'Ms. Booth, your portfolio is full of sound and fury signifying zero returns.'

'I checked the math, Dear, and Lady Godiva actually raises property values.'

"Why does my investment portfolio have a toe tag?"

'I'm the veterinarian of Cheshire who spays and neuters Cheshire pets.'

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