Stock Market Punster Gifts

'Give it to me straight, Doc - just how long-term should my long-term investments be?'

"Today's emerging markets saw their shadow and reverted to frontier markets for another 6 weeks."

'You've got bats alright...now we'll just have to determine what kind.'

"We're a very small international conglomerate."

Dogs life

"Ugh! They always spell my name wrong?"

"Tell me why you think people are out to get you."

Note Book

"After searching for the sun all night, it finally dawned on me..."

The Contrarian funds

'The days here are six months long... you'll love the daytrading.'

"Sometimes I bark at nothing."

"...and we hope that, for a cyber-crime, you will consider a cyber-penalty."

"My company's board members all told me the vision statement I wrote is really blurry."

'I had a very unhappy egghood....'

"We're a pharmaceutical company. We should be getting 'pharm' subsidies."

"It's one of the positive side effects of the new weight-loss drugs."

Math Jokes

"The real question is do you really need a cracker?"

...Isolated clumps of strange matter pop briefly out of the quantum foam to debate the possible existence of particle physicists.

"Can you give me some sort of metaphor for how you're feeling?"

'There's been no confirmation, but the possible merger of two giants has sent stock prices soaring.'

"How long have you been suffering from anthropomorphism?"

'I can't remember why I came here either.'

"Operator, I'd like to make a person-to-person call, and I'd like to reverse the roles."

'Yes, that will work as an elevator pitch...if your potential client works in a skyscraper...'

Time and money on a seesaw are equals.

Psychobabble.

Freud Met Santa...

"I'd like to file a defamation suit. 'Bear markets' is a derogatory term."