Talks Gifts

The speech was almost interesting. People began to sit up and fake interest.

"Let's just say I have a pre-existing condition."

'Men are like fragments of soap... they get together in bars!'

Annual run-off at the mouth.

"What I'd give for a stimulating conversation..."

'Some of these trees have been here for 2000 years... and they still can't talk. Man, we're awesome!'

'Yak, yak, yak.'

Correct Comics *Drawn By A Vegetarian On Acid-Free Recycled Paper In A Drug-Free Environment

'What sort of wines do you like?' ... 'Powerful ones!'

"Remember back in the day when I was a real heartbreaker?" "Riiight... now the only thing you break is wind."

The President Elect approved by 3 out of 4 talk show hosts!

"My master's vowel hyperarticulation is wearing a bit thin..."

Men gossiping

"How about a hand."

"This may surprise some of your viewers, but I didn't actually want to go into the box."

With the popularity of spell-checkers, many people are turning to the new speech-checkers.

"It's Dr. Sadie. Go ahead, caller." "Yeah, how come you haven't said 'Merry Christmas' yet?" "Oh, that’s because I was hoping to provoke everyone who’s upset about the so-called 'war on Christmas' to spend all their time on hold waiting to castigate me. That way, all the normal people who don’t think Christmas is just another chance to play the victim can open their gifts in peace." "You're welcome, America." "Why haven't you played 'Jingle Bells' yet?"

Life on Earth - The original chat room.

Dialogue

"Tell me, Chuck, is barbarism the natural state of mankind, and will it ultimately triumph?"

My wife's been talking to the skin I shed for over an hour.

My diagnosis? Restless tongue syndrome.

'I'm down to a pack of neuroses a day.'

'You've got the wrong idiot, number.'

Talk shows are great. Listen shows are even better.

Woman on the phone.

'Actually, my mom was the first to notice he'd lost that new boyfriend smell!'

My secret of living to 103? I stay active throwing out junk mail and alert dueling with telephone sales people!

"I wanted a partner... I got a co-host."

Day two of our series: America's sleeping pill addiction. My guest, pillhead Rudy Park. I'm not a pillhead. Come clean. Admit the obvious truth. What truth? Rush Limbaugh made you do it! A political pundit never misses an opportunity. You got hooked only after O'Reilly harassed you.

'I'm terribly worried, Doctor - he doesn't talk back to Bill O'Reilly any more.'

You can't get what up

Stan Mack's Real Life Funnies: The David Letterman Show Goes to the Dogs, Cats, Birds, Guinea Pigs...

"Stop squawking. Use your words."

Shallow End (Slightly innocuous statements) - Deep End (a little more weighty)