Talk Show Viewer Gifts

Letterman Show: 'He's always been at my side...the one consonant in my life...'

Adam and Eve on a Talk Show

The President Elect approved by 3 out of 4 talk show hosts!

"It's Dr. Sadie. Go ahead, caller." "Yeah, how come you haven't said 'Merry Christmas' yet?" "Oh, that’s because I was hoping to provoke everyone who’s upset about the so-called 'war on Christmas' to spend all their time on hold waiting to castigate me. That way, all the normal people who don’t think Christmas is just another chance to play the victim can open their gifts in peace." "You're welcome, America." "Why haven't you played 'Jingle Bells' yet?"

"This may surprise some of your viewers, but I didn't actually want to go into the box."

"Tell me, Chuck, is barbarism the natural state of mankind, and will it ultimately triumph?"

Talk shows are great. Listen shows are even better.

"I know he's funny, boy, but he’s also the president of the United States."

'Has Oprah ever been married?'

'Your mom is probably watching. Go for the jugular.'

Stan Mack's Real Life Funnies: The David Letterman Show Goes to the Dogs, Cats, Birds, Guinea Pigs...

"I wanted a partner... I got a co-host."

Day two of our series: America's sleeping pill addiction. My guest, pillhead Rudy Park. I'm not a pillhead. Come clean. Admit the obvious truth. What truth? Rush Limbaugh made you do it! A political pundit never misses an opportunity. You got hooked only after O'Reilly harassed you.

"Welcome back to the We Were Bored and Had Nothing Else To Do podcast."

My secret of living to 103? I stay active throwing out junk mail and alert dueling with telephone sales people!

'Not only will you know everything but I'll see that you get your own talk show.'

'I'm terribly worried, Doctor - he doesn't talk back to Bill O'Reilly any more.'

'What TV show do frog princes go on ...?...'

"The real question is whether health care is a basic human right or a bona-fide commercial opportunity."

"WIFI, Amazon, credit cards. Pretty much every password is named after me."

'Now stay tuned for 'Hope - Myth or Reality', to be followed by 'Reality - Hope or Myth'.'

Late Night with Patrick O'Brian

"Dad, will you play judge and tell me if Raymond or Joey is the father of my baby doll?"

Dr. Kapuchnik, I notice that you've been quoting Dr. Phil a lot lately. That's because I'm hoping that if he sees me sucking up to him in the comics, he'll bankroll the TV-show proposal I sent to his production company, Gasbag Enterprises.

You're on "Ask Sadie." What's your problem?! Super delegates. A candidate could win the most votes in the primaries but lose anyway of the superdelegates want someone else! Can you believe that? Oh stop yer sniveling. In my day, the parties chose candidates in smoke-filled backrooms without even pretending the people get a vote. At least this charade gets you out of the house. Gets the blood pumping. I guess.

Rudy Park Enterprises regrets to announce the end to a brief experiment aimed at combining the popular and irrepressible talk show phenomenon Sadie Cohen with a background beat of powerful and thrilling house music. In fact, our ratings soared during our experiment. Revenue shot up 17.5 percent. Advertisers loved it. Our decision to cancel the experiment in no way reflects any error of management. Rather, it was a raging success reflective of our forward thinking management. In the end, though,

Men discussing a book on a chat show

"When did you first notice you were larger than life?"

"Did you hear Sadie's show today?"

The National Institute for Advanced Talk-Show Punditry.

Trappist talk show.

How to get on talk shows by promoting your new book

Rush Limbaugh

"So, colony collapse disorder - how funny is it?"

Ask Sadie. Dear Sadie, I am 62 years old and was fired from my job of 22 years just before xmas 2010. What should I do? Sincerely, Irene. Attack! Stop! Enough, Sadie. Haven't you been listening? The mean-spirited, virulent partisanship of talk show hosts must end. People were hurt and some died. Aren't you the ultimate partisan, you coot? That's different lady! Fasten your seatbelts.