Swim Skeptic Gifts

'Oh dear, and I can't even swim! Help! What shall I do?'

Reverse psychology

"You keep an eye on our horse. I'm checking to see if the bookie runs off with our money."

"I've had a lot of exercise today! I jumped to several conclusions, ran my mouth on the phone, and I just cycled through 500 cable channels!"

"Some day you'll look back at this and remember me as the person who taught you to fear water."

"I put my faith in coal. Because there’s no fuel like an old fuel."

"My blood type...it's the type that doesn't like to exercise."

And this model comes with a fitness tracker.

"Sure, it's 'beautiful,' Ray, but where are the outlet stores?!"

Supermarket Aisles: 'Good for the Environment' and 'Couldn't give a flying F@$#! about the environment!'

'I hate running in the outside lane.'

"I think I might go outside. My fresh air app is glitchy today."

This year, Barry resolved to try new things and take more chances - starting tomorrow.

Ed Revere, Spam Courier

"Son, one day all this will belong to your tax office, your economy-hating environmental wackos and your corrupt political clowns."

Jeff was watching his weight.

"I like anything but long walks on the beach."

"By the time I develop a true understanding of sand, I'll probably be forced into some sort of organized sports."

The End of the Internet

'I've got an idea. Why don't we just tack on the word 'natural' to our pesticide sprays?'

Carbon capture and storage

"Our carbon footprint has been very, very good to us."

'if your wife ever asks you to meet her at Pilates...don't! It's not a pizzeria.'

'Big deal. I could win every race too, if I used performance-enhancing sugar.'

"I'm binge ignoring everything you're binge watching."

"I hate golf. There's something unnatural about a game where the lowest score wins."

"No, I'm sorry Geoff. I still can't remember you ever having a six pack there."

PERSONNEL, 'Your resume has everything but verisimilitude.''

Thank you for not drowning.

'Not that sort of pool party.'

'Amazing! You're the first patient I've ever met who gets blisters on his feet and pain in his back just by thinking of sport!'

"Yes... I'd like to cancel my membership to the company fitness program immediately."

'Crickets? I mean cricket?'

"Last year, you said you were signing up to a gym...it it nice?"