Swim Skeptic Pillows

'Oh dear, and I can't even swim! Help! What shall I do?'

Reverse psychology

"You keep an eye on our horse. I'm checking to see if the bookie runs off with our money."

"I've had a lot of exercise today! I jumped to several conclusions, ran my mouth on the phone, and I just cycled through 500 cable channels!"

"Some day you'll look back at this and remember me as the person who taught you to fear water."

"I put my faith in coal. Because there’s no fuel like an old fuel."

"My blood type...it's the type that doesn't like to exercise."

'I hate running in the outside lane.'

Supermarket Aisles: 'Good for the Environment' and 'Couldn't give a flying F@$#! about the environment!'

And this model comes with a fitness tracker.

"Sure, it's 'beautiful,' Ray, but where are the outlet stores?!"

"I think I might go outside. My fresh air app is glitchy today."

This year, Barry resolved to try new things and take more chances - starting tomorrow.

"Son, one day all this will belong to your tax office, your economy-hating environmental wackos and your corrupt political clowns."

Ed Revere, Spam Courier

"I like anything but long walks on the beach."

Jeff was watching his weight.

"By the time I develop a true understanding of sand, I'll probably be forced into some sort of organized sports."

The End of the Internet

'I've got an idea. Why don't we just tack on the word 'natural' to our pesticide sprays?'

"Our carbon footprint has been very, very good to us."

'I felt an overwhelming nostalgia for the old video games where you sit on your arse.'

Carbon capture and storage

Airport Security. I had to go through the security pat-down three times --- They had trouble believing this is just my body and I'm not hiding anything.

'if your wife ever asks you to meet her at Pilates...don't! It's not a pizzeria.'

"I hate golf. There's something unnatural about a game where the lowest score wins."

"I'm binge ignoring everything you're binge watching."

'Big deal. I could win every race too, if I used performance-enhancing sugar.'

"No, I'm sorry Geoff. I still can't remember you ever having a six pack there."

PERSONNEL, 'Your resume has everything but verisimilitude.''

Thank you for not drowning.

'Not that sort of pool party.'

'Amazing! You're the first patient I've ever met who gets blisters on his feet and pain in his back just by thinking of sport!'

"Yes... I'd like to cancel my membership to the company fitness program immediately."

'Crickets? I mean cricket?'