Golf Skeptic Gifts

"I hate golf. There's something unnatural about a game where the lowest score wins."

"In a blinding flash, Norman suddenly realises the mind-numbing boredom and utter futility of the sport that is called golf..."

"You keep an eye on our horse. I'm checking to see if the bookie runs off with our money."

'I'm finding the greens a bit slow.'

"Sure, it's 'beautiful,' Ray, but where are the outlet stores?!"

"I think I might go outside. My fresh air app is glitchy today."

This year, Barry resolved to try new things and take more chances - starting tomorrow.

'I read that the ball is on the surface of the club for just 0.00035 of a second, so even when you take 100 shots to go around, you are only getting less than 1 second of golf for your money...'

Man in Office playing golf, filing cabinet draw marked 'Rough'

'No, even I don't know the secret of golf.'

End of football season - UK

"You have a good lie."

"By the time I develop a true understanding of sand, I'll probably be forced into some sort of organized sports."

'I don't think of myself as a caddie, I provide technical support for golfers.'

"I enjoy the game so much more since they invented the self-driving ball!"

'Big deal. I could win every race too, if I used performance-enhancing sugar.'

'Amazing! You're the first patient I've ever met who gets blisters on his feet and pain in his back just by thinking of sport!'

"What kind of idiot gets suckered into something like that?"

'I'm using my eyes, how are you looking at it?'

"Now isn’t this better than that silly Super Bowl game?"

"Je n'aime pas la nature!"

'I am so very frustrated! I know it's hard for you to understand, but you don't know the golf course.'

'I can't decide which I'm least excited about...the royal wedding or the Olympics.'

'Crickets? I mean cricket?'

'You're right, there's nothing in the rules against it.'

'...You've got no game.'

"Personally, I liked this place better before it became a sports bar."

Thoreau's secret diary

The Educated Golfer or The Instinctive Golfer

'Well, Alfred Hitchcock, any more great ideas like the bird feeder for livening up the yard?'

"Why do you like playing Bingo so much, Tia Carmen?"

'He doesn't use drinking fountains. He can't swim.'

'Every Sunday I thank God that I'm an atheist!'

"Forget that ball caddie, there's another just like it up here that I can tap in...."