Golf Skeptics Gifts

'I've been retired a month and I already hate the game.'

"You keep an eye on our horse. I'm checking to see if the bookie runs off with our money."

'I'm finding the greens a bit slow.'

'I hate running in the outside lane.'

'I read that the ball is on the surface of the club for just 0.00035 of a second, so even when you take 100 shots to go around, you are only getting less than 1 second of golf for your money...'

"I packed the cooking gear like you told me, Dad...where do I plug it in?"

'No, even I don't know the secret of golf.'

"You have a good lie."

Support Group for the Directionally Challenged.

"By the time I develop a true understanding of sand, I'll probably be forced into some sort of organized sports."

"I hate golf. There's something unnatural about a game where the lowest score wins."

“The children claimed to love nature, even as they warmed themselves by roasting the dismembered limbs of the tree’s mother.”

'Big deal. I could win every race too, if I used performance-enhancing sugar.'

TOLD YOU TO TAKE LESSONS FROM GOLF PRO

"What kind of idiot gets suckered into something like that?"

'Amazing! You're the first patient I've ever met who gets blisters on his feet and pain in his back just by thinking of sport!'

'You're right, there's nothing in the rules against it.'

'I am so very frustrated! I know it's hard for you to understand, but you don't know the golf course.'

What's with all the cameras? They're filming seniors for college field hockey recruiters. I'll never be good enough to get admitted. It's just a game. In the real world. No one cared you even played. Then why do they make us do sports? To take your mind off all the college pressure!

"Now isn’t this better than that silly Super Bowl game?"

'Crickets? I mean cricket?'

'You'll never see me out jogging.'

'I said I was bored, not unconscious.'

'I can't decide which I'm least excited about...the royal wedding or the Olympics.'

'...You've got no game.'

'Give a man a ball, and he golfs for a day, Teach a man to scoop a ball and he golfs for a lifetime,'

"Personally, I liked this place better before it became a sports bar."

'Every Sunday I thank God that I'm an atheist!'

"Why do you like playing Bingo so much, Tia Carmen?"

The Educated Golfer or The Instinctive Golfer

'For the 100th time! I have never used steroids!'

"Forget that ball caddie, there's another just like it up here that I can tap in...."

Golfing Fakir.

"In a blinding flash, Norman suddenly realises the mind-numbing boredom and utter futility of the sport that is called golf..."

'You may have misunderstood about Yompville being a country club prison.'