Golfing Cynic Gifts

Missing the Bad Ones

"Why don't we switch off the news and give Brexit up for Lent?"

Unhappy man with 'rabbit-ear' fingers behind his head.

"We've now got a higher approval rating than the media."

"Dear, if the news stresses you out so much, turn it off!"

'This Libor rate scandal gives new meaning to the term 'Fixed'-rate mortgage.'

"Life sucks and then you keep living."

Banker stepping into 'New image' in 'Savings and Loans' office

'I read that the ball is on the surface of the club for just 0.00035 of a second, so even when you take 100 shots to go around, you are only getting less than 1 second of golf for your money...'

His golfing career in a long tailspin, PGA pro Andy Pemrick spent his later years as the pro at Happy Time Mini-Putt.

'Sometimes I think it would be more merciful just to enslave them.'

"You have a good lie."

Bush vs. America

Bartender, there's a human finger in my beer. Today's comics readers are pretty jaded, sir. They're no longer shocked by a fly in a bowl of soup.

'Consumer confidence is up.. in the 'Money in the mattress' sector.'

'I go to college -- What do you do for a living?'

'No, even I don't know the secret of golf.'

The Fed: Problems and the solution.

If there's one thing I've learned, it's this: Never trust someone who tries to sell you nine life insurance policies.

'Team spirit, my ass.'

'Is this one of those deals where the names have been changed to protect the innocent?'

The first accurate poll.

"Every complaint should be seen as a learning opportunity, today you’re going to learn where to hide them."

"You seem to have the right combination of bitterness, pessimism, and caffeine consumption that we're looking for."

The Ekert Saga: '...A place where people are always unhappy no matter how well things are going? Ah! Got it...Go to Fenway Park in Boston.'

'I know Joe's sight isn't all that but the captain's not going to like it.'

Today's Topic: "Money talks." In my case, very sarcastically.

Finally, a news network that doesn't fill me up...it's 97 fact free!

"The difference between criminal geniuses and politicians is none of them are geniuses."

"I want a campaign that shows the brand's empathetic, inclusive and caring side - or you're all fired."

'Good job on screwing up the economy. Now make global warming worse.'

"I hate golf. There's something unnatural about a game where the lowest score wins."

TOLD YOU TO TAKE LESSONS FROM GOLF PRO

'I can remember when banks competed for customers...Now its shareholders.'

"You can't put a price on all those years of marriage." "Au contraire!"