Sporting Cynic Gifts

"You call this a resume? The school you graduated from lost every football and basketball game this year."

"Why don't we switch off the news and give Brexit up for Lent?"

"There are no big jobs, only small machines."

"VP J.D. Vance called Donald: 'cynical asshole,' a 'moral disaster,' a 'total fraud,' an 'idiot,' and suggested he might be 'America’s Hitler.'"

Unhappy man with 'rabbit-ear' fingers behind his head.

Corporate Ethics Department, how may I help you?

"The economy's been worsening for a while, but people still don't feel it, Rudy." "...Which means we still have time to get in on the despair action." "Despair action"? "We're going to expand our menu. Add more comfort foods, more 'sale' items, debt consolidation loans..." "Nobody's dumb enough to get a debt consolidation loan from some random guy." "Ha ha hoo hoo hee-"

"But will it distract the public's attention enough that they mindlessly buy our products?"

'The bad news is that our company is bankrupt. The good news is that we're only morally bankrupt.'

"Taxation with representation hasn't worked out so well." (two men at the US capital talking taxes and politics)

'The cow jumped over the moon? The mouse ran up the clock? Steroids, right?'

"Dear, if the news stresses you out so much, turn it off!"

"I'm back from Russia. Putin offered me a Dacha to say he's an honest man."

"We've now got a higher approval rating than the media."

"I've founded my own religion." "Of course you have, Rudy." "It's off to a good start. Already, it's being mocked by people of other faiths." "If history's any guide, within a couple hundred years, it'll be widely accepted and people who don't believe in it will be persecuted." "What are the central tenets of your religion?" "A true Rudian knows that life is suffering, and winning arguments online is salvation."

"With great power comes great reward."

"So what is the true need for this project?" "To make me look good."

"The figures for the last quarter are in. We made significant gains in the fifteen-to-twenty-six-year-old age group, but we lost our immortal souls."

'This Libor rate scandal gives new meaning to the term 'Fixed'-rate mortgage.'

Targets

'Confused about your future, depressed, lacking confidence, not sure who you can trust...I'd suggest you avoid any election news and watch modern family instead.'

Footballer playing for time

Banker stepping into 'New image' in 'Savings and Loans' office

"Trust me, there is no subsidized lunch."

"Life sucks and then you keep living."

'Sometimes I think it would be more merciful just to enslave them.'

Suggestions Get Shredded.

A Diverse Cabinet That Looks Like America

I don't need to know any math --- I'm going to be a politician.

"Today the House Intelligence committee began its investigation of the FBI's investigation of the House Intelligence Committees investigation of the FBI..."

'Consumer confidence is up.. in the 'Money in the mattress' sector.'

Bartender, there's a human finger in my beer. Today's comics readers are pretty jaded, sir. They're no longer shocked by a fly in a bowl of soup.

"Everyone is so cynical these days."

Bush vs. America

'My goal is to be a failure and accept a colossal golden parachute.'