Sporting Cynic Gifts

"You call this a resume? The school you graduated from lost every football and basketball game this year."

"Why don't we switch off the news and give Brexit up for Lent?"

"There are no big jobs, only small machines."

"VP J.D. Vance called Donald: 'cynical asshole,' a 'moral disaster,' a 'total fraud,' an 'idiot,' and suggested he might be 'America’s Hitler.'"

"The economy's been worsening for a while, but people still don't feel it, Rudy." "...Which means we still have time to get in on the despair action." "Despair action"? "We're going to expand our menu. Add more comfort foods, more 'sale' items, debt consolidation loans..." "Nobody's dumb enough to get a debt consolidation loan from some random guy." "Ha ha hoo hoo hee-"

"But will it distract the public's attention enough that they mindlessly buy our products?"

'The bad news is that our company is bankrupt. The good news is that we're only morally bankrupt.'

"Taxation with representation hasn't worked out so well." (two men at the US capital talking taxes and politics)

"Dear, if the news stresses you out so much, turn it off!"

"With great power comes great reward."

'The cow jumped over the moon? The mouse ran up the clock? Steroids, right?'

"I'm back from Russia. Putin offered me a Dacha to say he's an honest man."

"I've founded my own religion." "Of course you have, Rudy." "It's off to a good start. Already, it's being mocked by people of other faiths." "If history's any guide, within a couple hundred years, it'll be widely accepted and people who don't believe in it will be persecuted." "What are the central tenets of your religion?" "A true Rudian knows that life is suffering, and winning arguments online is salvation."

"So what is the true need for this project?" "To make me look good."

"The figures for the last quarter are in. We made significant gains in the fifteen-to-twenty-six-year-old age group, but we lost our immortal souls."

'This Libor rate scandal gives new meaning to the term 'Fixed'-rate mortgage.'

Targets

Footballer playing for time

"Life sucks and then you keep living."

'Confused about your future, depressed, lacking confidence, not sure who you can trust...I'd suggest you avoid any election news and watch modern family instead.'

"Trust me, there is no subsidized lunch."

Banker stepping into 'New image' in 'Savings and Loans' office

Suggestions Get Shredded.

'Sometimes I think it would be more merciful just to enslave them.'

'Consumer confidence is up.. in the 'Money in the mattress' sector.'

"Today the House Intelligence committee began its investigation of the FBI's investigation of the House Intelligence Committees investigation of the FBI..."

'My goal is to be a failure and accept a colossal golden parachute.'

"Everyone is so cynical these days."

"Listen, pal! I didn't spend seven million bucks to get here so I could yield the floor to you."