Cynical Sports Enthusiast Gifts

'Team spirit, my ass.'

"Break his third chakra!" "Knock the dharma out of him!"

Golfer to other: 'I've never seen anyone slice a putt before.'

"I always forget what an expert I am in curling."

Unhappy man with 'rabbit-ear' fingers behind his head.

'I won't be coming to church any more, Reverend -- I've decided to convert to golf.'

The Uncle Vinnie Insomnia Open

"Life sucks and then you keep living."

'To protect their investments, many baseball owners are hiring bodyguards for their players.'

"I admit saying England had no hope of winning the World Cup, me Lord, but it isn't treason."

Follow England mate, they're always crap!

Bush vs. America

Bartender, there's a human finger in my beer. Today's comics readers are pretty jaded, sir. They're no longer shocked by a fly in a bowl of soup.

"Please stand and join us in half-assing your way through our national anthem."

If there's one thing I've learned, it's this: Never trust someone who tries to sell you nine life insurance policies.

'Go deep my son.' 'What's it all about?'

"You seem to have the right combination of bitterness, pessimism, and caffeine consumption that we're looking for."

"Every complaint should be seen as a learning opportunity, today you’re going to learn where to hide them."

The Ekert Saga: '...A place where people are always unhappy no matter how well things are going? Ah! Got it...Go to Fenway Park in Boston.'

"You can't put a price on all those years of marriage." "Au contraire!"

"The coach said that you play like Ronaldo? Ha! You loser! He told me I play like Chloe Kelly!"

"The difference between criminal geniuses and politicians is none of them are geniuses."

"I want a campaign that shows the brand's empathetic, inclusive and caring side - or you're all fired."

...'So I said forget about the wages, I just want to play football.'

'Help me, Helen! I'm feeling a momentary lapse of cynicism!'

'Remind me, what should I be thanking my lucky stars for?'

'Oh, I hate sport too, but I just love reading the statistics...'

"You're on 'Ask Sadie.' What's your problem?" "I met a lady a while back." "We're both stuck in marriages we don't want to be in. We'd rather be together but we don't have the courage to end things." "What do you mean 'courage?' Ending things isn't 'courageous,' it's cowardly." "Courage means not running from misery, but embracing it, becoming its master, and delivering it upon all those around you with a vengeance."

'I used to be bipolar till I started supporting England.'

'On Tuesdays, I bowl.'

"No comment for now, but there'll be a press leak at five."

'You forgot one of the essential facts of putting - the ball always breaks toward the water.'

'Look here Frobisher, you've adhered to the rules. You haven't cheated, self-aggrandised or whined about money. That's rather unsportsmanlike of you.'

'I read in Golf Digest that shaving my arms will add 1.3 yards to my drives.'

Love of the Game