Swimming Skeptic Gifts

This year, Barry resolved to try new things and take more chances - starting tomorrow.

'He doesn't use drinking fountains. He can't swim.'

"All I do is swim and eat plankton, but do I lose weight?"

"You keep an eye on our horse. I'm checking to see if the bookie runs off with our money."

"I've had a lot of exercise today! I jumped to several conclusions, ran my mouth on the phone, and I just cycled through 500 cable channels!"

"Some day you'll look back at this and remember me as the person who taught you to fear water."

"I put my faith in coal. Because there’s no fuel like an old fuel."

"My blood type...it's the type that doesn't like to exercise."

'I hate running in the outside lane.'

And this model comes with a fitness tracker.

Supermarket Aisles: 'Good for the Environment' and 'Couldn't give a flying F@$#! about the environment!'

'Dad, can you teach me to swim?' 'Well, I'm not much of a swimmer, but I can teach you to tread water. I do that every day at work.'

"The peasants have lost all respect for the moat."

"Running is great. Unless you compare it with not running."

"Son, one day all this will belong to your tax office, your economy-hating environmental wackos and your corrupt political clowns."

Lapdogs

Jeff was watching his weight.

"By the time I develop a true understanding of sand, I'll probably be forced into some sort of organized sports."

Carbon capture and storage

'I've got an idea. Why don't we just tack on the word 'natural' to our pesticide sprays?'

'I felt an overwhelming nostalgia for the old video games where you sit on your arse.'

Airport Security. I had to go through the security pat-down three times --- They had trouble believing this is just my body and I'm not hiding anything.

"Our carbon footprint has been very, very good to us."

'Yes, this is the deep end.'

'if your wife ever asks you to meet her at Pilates...don't! It's not a pizzeria.'

'Just stop for a minute. Smell that pine scent. Drink in the view. I don't think we could pick a better site for our 'Mega-Mall'!'

"I'm binge ignoring everything you're binge watching."

Motor Channel Crossing.

"I hate golf. There's something unnatural about a game where the lowest score wins."

'Ok, that's fine! You have dibs on the big one. I prefer the skinnier ones anyway. They struggle more vigorously which, I think, enhances the taste.'

'Big deal. I could win every race too, if I used performance-enhancing sugar.'

"No, I'm sorry Geoff. I still can't remember you ever having a six pack there."

Thank you for not drowning.

'I'll bet this would be more fun on a computer.'

'Not that sort of pool party.'