Survivalist Satirist Gifts

'It's still ticking, there IS truth in advertising. Now I can die peacefully.'

Man looks worried, as his fellow castaway reads book: 'Cannibalism for Dummies'.

'I'd like two pizzas, one with cheese and pepperoni and the other with cheese and sausage. One more thing, do you deliver?'

Admit it. We have a drinking problem.

'No, I didn't know it was hunting season - why do you ask?'

'If we hadn't outsourced the staff, we could've eaten them.'

"How the hell is that supposed to feed us?"

"That's 'Help' with an 'H'."

'Bottled water or other non-carbonated diet beverage!'

'You are here' sign on desert island.

"What, no day spa? And you call this a luxury bunker."

"If you got us lost ... I am so eating you first."

Early detection was rarely helpful.

"We both knew this day would come, Samantha... I'm leaving you and taking the kids."

'I'm kind of a survivalist myself. I roast my own coffee and distil my own gin.'

"Sure he's cute, but we should have discussed this."

BARBER

"This better be high tide."

"Don't even bother – this oasis only has two and a half stars."

Randy, if you were stranded on an island, what's the one book you'd want to have along with you? Easy: Blood Meridian by Cormac McCarthy. It's got the perfect heft to knock coconuts out of trees. Well, I'd like to have How to Get off an Island, by Archie MacGuyver. That title's actually a metaphor for overcoming shyness. We really should have our own book review show.

"I'm next time I spring for the personal Wi-Fi hotspot..."

'I told you. I'll be home with dinner just as soon as it dies.'

"The problem is, you never know if they're ripe until you bite into one."

'Oh wait, I've got a good one! I spy with my little eye.'

"I'm increasing your OnlyFan subscription..."

Republican Beach. . . Nature Preserve rule: EAT OR BE EATEN!

'Are you going anywhere near a chemist?'

'You go ahead. I just don't feel like drinking this afternoon ...'

'Hey, I know! -- We can dig a basement and wait till it floods!'

'I'm sorry I don't date people from other islands!'

'I bet it's nice and warm inside!'

"If you could eat only one food for the rest of your life, what would it be?

Stay in school.

Look! A penny!

"Miss Reed, could you please bring me a palm tree and some ragged clothes?"