Survival Humorist Gifts

'Don't worry about Jack. His wooden leg is as good as ANY floatation device.'

Accountants stranded in the desert.

"Karl, act like a stuffed porcupine!"

'This is especially rough on me -- I'm a compulsive eater.'

'Which one of you put lipstick on my coconut shell?'

'Tell me, how are coconuts and coconuts biproducts doing on the commodities market?'

"Wow, a real life saver...malt whiskey."

"I've run out of leg wax"

'How about some lip balm for those dry lips?'

'If we hadn't outsourced the staff, we could've eaten them.'

'Bottled water or other non-carbonated diet beverage!'

'Are you boycotting any products at the moment?'

Castaway uses a solar panel to watch TV.

'I'd like two pizzas, one with cheese and pepperoni and the other with cheese and sausage. One more thing, do you deliver?'

'No, I didn't know it was hunting season - why do you ask?'

"That's 'Help' with an 'H'."

"If you got us lost ... I am so eating you first."

"What, no day spa? And you call this a luxury bunker."

'You are here' sign on desert island.

Man looks worried, as his fellow castaway reads book: 'Cannibalism for Dummies'.

"We both knew this day would come, Samantha... I'm leaving you and taking the kids."

'I'm kind of a survivalist myself. I roast my own coffee and distil my own gin.'

BARBER

"I'm next time I spring for the personal Wi-Fi hotspot..."

"Sure he's cute, but we should have discussed this."

Randy, if you were stranded on an island, what's the one book you'd want to have along with you? Easy: Blood Meridian by Cormac McCarthy. It's got the perfect heft to knock coconuts out of trees. Well, I'd like to have How to Get off an Island, by Archie MacGuyver. That title's actually a metaphor for overcoming shyness. We really should have our own book review show.

"This better be high tide."

"Don't even bother – this oasis only has two and a half stars."

Republican Beach. . . Nature Preserve rule: EAT OR BE EATEN!

'Are you going anywhere near a chemist?'

"The problem is, you never know if they're ripe until you bite into one."

'You go ahead. I just don't feel like drinking this afternoon ...'

'I told you. I'll be home with dinner just as soon as it dies.'

'Oh wait, I've got a good one! I spy with my little eye.'

"I'm increasing your OnlyFan subscription..."