Survivalist Comedian Gifts

"Don't even bother – this oasis only has two and a half stars."

'I'd like two pizzas, one with cheese and pepperoni and the other with cheese and sausage. One more thing, do you deliver?'

Admit it. We have a drinking problem.

'If we hadn't outsourced the staff, we could've eaten them.'

'No, I didn't know it was hunting season - why do you ask?'

"That's 'Help' with an 'H'."

"What, no day spa? And you call this a luxury bunker."

"If you got us lost ... I am so eating you first."

'You are here' sign on desert island.

'Bottled water or other non-carbonated diet beverage!'

Man looks worried, as his fellow castaway reads book: 'Cannibalism for Dummies'.

"We both knew this day would come, Samantha... I'm leaving you and taking the kids."

'I'm kind of a survivalist myself. I roast my own coffee and distil my own gin.'

"This better be high tide."

"At least my putting has improved."

Randy, if you were stranded on an island, what's the one book you'd want to have along with you? Easy: Blood Meridian by Cormac McCarthy. It's got the perfect heft to knock coconuts out of trees. Well, I'd like to have How to Get off an Island, by Archie MacGuyver. That title's actually a metaphor for overcoming shyness. We really should have our own book review show.

"I'm next time I spring for the personal Wi-Fi hotspot..."

"Sure he's cute, but we should have discussed this."

'I'm sorry I don't date people from other islands!'

Republican Beach. . . Nature Preserve rule: EAT OR BE EATEN!

'You go ahead. I just don't feel like drinking this afternoon ...'

"The problem is, you never know if they're ripe until you bite into one."

'Are you going anywhere near a chemist?'

'I told you. I'll be home with dinner just as soon as it dies.'

'Oh wait, I've got a good one! I spy with my little eye.'

'Hey, I know! -- We can dig a basement and wait till it floods!'

"I'm increasing your OnlyFan subscription..."

'I bet it's nice and warm inside!'

Stay in school.

Koool sunglasses, only $10-.

'Dear Santa, when I asked for a ship, what I meant was...'

Woman on desert island reads message she finds in a bottle: 'It's an ad for a diet club.'

"Karl, act like a stuffed porcupine!"

Look! A penny!

NO FACILITIES