Survivalist Comedian Gifts

"Don't even bother – this oasis only has two and a half stars."

'I'd like two pizzas, one with cheese and pepperoni and the other with cheese and sausage. One more thing, do you deliver?'

Admit it. We have a drinking problem.

'No, I didn't know it was hunting season - why do you ask?'

'If we hadn't outsourced the staff, we could've eaten them.'

"That's 'Help' with an 'H'."

"If you got us lost ... I am so eating you first."

'Bottled water or other non-carbonated diet beverage!'

"What, no day spa? And you call this a luxury bunker."

'You are here' sign on desert island.

Man looks worried, as his fellow castaway reads book: 'Cannibalism for Dummies'.

'I'm kind of a survivalist myself. I roast my own coffee and distil my own gin.'

"We both knew this day would come, Samantha... I'm leaving you and taking the kids."

"I'm next time I spring for the personal Wi-Fi hotspot..."

"Sure he's cute, but we should have discussed this."

"At least my putting has improved."

"This better be high tide."

'You go ahead. I just don't feel like drinking this afternoon ...'

"The problem is, you never know if they're ripe until you bite into one."

'Are you going anywhere near a chemist?'

'Oh wait, I've got a good one! I spy with my little eye.'

'Hey, I know! -- We can dig a basement and wait till it floods!'

Republican Beach. . . Nature Preserve rule: EAT OR BE EATEN!

"I'm increasing your OnlyFan subscription..."

'I'm sorry I don't date people from other islands!'

'I bet it's nice and warm inside!'

Stay in school.

"Will you quit listening to your ten all-time favorite albums and help me find some food!"

Look! A penny!

Woman on desert island reads message she finds in a bottle: 'It's an ad for a diet club.'

Koool sunglasses, only $10-.

"Karl, act like a stuffed porcupine!"

'Dear Santa, when I asked for a ship, what I meant was...'

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