Survivalist Jokester Gifts

"We both knew this day would come, Samantha... I'm leaving you and taking the kids."

'Hey, baby, nice to see you out here! I'd buy you a drink, but - well - it's not easy to do out here.'

"I saved us a hundred bucks on a Jolly Jumper."

'I'd like two pizzas, one with cheese and pepperoni and the other with cheese and sausage. One more thing, do you deliver?'

'I hate to say I told you so, Larry, but that's why you check your car for bears before you put on your seatbelt.'

A crab with a utility knife claw

'If we hadn't outsourced the staff, we could've eaten them.'

'No, I didn't know it was hunting season - why do you ask?'

"That's 'Help' with an 'H'."

"Okay, who's been messing with the copy machine?"

Drainpipe in a sombrero.

Lengray's 1,001 practical Jokes for beginners (a man getting punched in the face with a mechanical glove).

'You are here' sign on desert island.

"If you got us lost ... I am so eating you first."

'Bottled water or other non-carbonated diet beverage!'

"What, no day spa? And you call this a luxury bunker."

"You idiots … we lost!"

Dry Hard with a Vengeance

'The electricians hot-wired the building inspector's car seat again.'

"Yes, but can your philosophical speculations on existence also be relative to why I crossed the road?"

Man looks worried, as his fellow castaway reads book: 'Cannibalism for Dummies'.

"Is there a humorist in the house?"

'Existential truckstop'

'I'm kind of a survivalist myself. I roast my own coffee and distil my own gin.'

'... and I would have gotten away with it too, if it weren't for those dang meddling kids... that and my incredibly stupid plan. Also in retrospect, I realize my costume was, regrettably, quite lame.'

"This better be high tide."

Randy, if you were stranded on an island, what's the one book you'd want to have along with you? Easy: Blood Meridian by Cormac McCarthy. It's got the perfect heft to knock coconuts out of trees. Well, I'd like to have How to Get off an Island, by Archie MacGuyver. That title's actually a metaphor for overcoming shyness. We really should have our own book review show.

Golf Myth #293--Ball Washer

"Sorry, kid, the nutrition nannies threatened to shut me down if I didn't change from chocolate to tofu Easter eggs."

"I'm next time I spring for the personal Wi-Fi hotspot..."

The disgusting, embarrassing sound of a whoopie cushion...

Unselfish by nature - he delights to show the novice where the big chub cruise...and where the best pike lie.

"Don't even bother – this oasis only has two and a half stars."

"Sure he's cute, but we should have discussed this."

Interrupted Shower.