Survivalist Jokester Pillows

"We both knew this day would come, Samantha... I'm leaving you and taking the kids."

'Hey, baby, nice to see you out here! I'd buy you a drink, but - well - it's not easy to do out here.'

'I'd like two pizzas, one with cheese and pepperoni and the other with cheese and sausage. One more thing, do you deliver?'

"I saved us a hundred bucks on a Jolly Jumper."

'I hate to say I told you so, Larry, but that's why you check your car for bears before you put on your seatbelt.'

'If we hadn't outsourced the staff, we could've eaten them.'

'No, I didn't know it was hunting season - why do you ask?'

A crab with a utility knife claw

"That's 'Help' with an 'H'."

"Okay, who's been messing with the copy machine?"

Drainpipe in a sombrero.

"You idiots … we lost!"

'Bottled water or other non-carbonated diet beverage!'

Lengray's 1,001 practical Jokes for beginners (a man getting punched in the face with a mechanical glove).

"What, no day spa? And you call this a luxury bunker."

"If you got us lost ... I am so eating you first."

'You are here' sign on desert island.

Man looks worried, as his fellow castaway reads book: 'Cannibalism for Dummies'.

Dry Hard with a Vengeance

'The electricians hot-wired the building inspector's car seat again.'

"Yes, but can your philosophical speculations on existence also be relative to why I crossed the road?"

"Is there a humorist in the house?"

'Existential truckstop'

'I'm kind of a survivalist myself. I roast my own coffee and distil my own gin.'

"Sure he's cute, but we should have discussed this."

Interrupted Shower.

"I'm next time I spring for the personal Wi-Fi hotspot..."

Golf Myth #293--Ball Washer

"This better be high tide."

Unselfish by nature - he delights to show the novice where the big chub cruise...and where the best pike lie.

'... and I would have gotten away with it too, if it weren't for those dang meddling kids... that and my incredibly stupid plan. Also in retrospect, I realize my costume was, regrettably, quite lame.'

"Sorry, kid, the nutrition nannies threatened to shut me down if I didn't change from chocolate to tofu Easter eggs."

The disgusting, embarrassing sound of a whoopie cushion...

"Don't even bother – this oasis only has two and a half stars."

Junk Mail Shredder.