Survivalist Comedy Fan Gifts

"Hot water! Hot water!"

'I'd like two pizzas, one with cheese and pepperoni and the other with cheese and sausage. One more thing, do you deliver?'

Admit it. We have a drinking problem.

'No, I didn't know it was hunting season - why do you ask?'

'If we hadn't outsourced the staff, we could've eaten them.'

"That's 'Help' with an 'H'."

"What, no day spa? And you call this a luxury bunker."

"It looks like a pitch for a survival-themed reality show."

'You are here' sign on desert island.

'Bottled water or other non-carbonated diet beverage!'

"If you got us lost ... I am so eating you first."

'I'm kind of a survivalist myself. I roast my own coffee and distil my own gin.'

"At least my putting has improved."

"I'm next time I spring for the personal Wi-Fi hotspot..."

"Don't even bother – this oasis only has two and a half stars."

"This better be high tide."

Randy, if you were stranded on an island, what's the one book you'd want to have along with you? Easy: Blood Meridian by Cormac McCarthy. It's got the perfect heft to knock coconuts out of trees. Well, I'd like to have How to Get off an Island, by Archie MacGuyver. That title's actually a metaphor for overcoming shyness. We really should have our own book review show.

"Sure he's cute, but we should have discussed this."

Republican Beach. . . Nature Preserve rule: EAT OR BE EATEN!

"The problem is, you never know if they're ripe until you bite into one."

'You go ahead. I just don't feel like drinking this afternoon ...'

"You are so lucky I keep kosher."

'I'm sorry I don't date people from other islands!'

'Oh wait, I've got a good one! I spy with my little eye.'

'I told you. I'll be home with dinner just as soon as it dies.'

'It's day to day, but so far I've survived,'

'Hey, I know! -- We can dig a basement and wait till it floods!'

'Are you going anywhere near a chemist?'

"I'm increasing your OnlyFan subscription..."

'I bet it's nice and warm inside!'

Eskimo in Igloo

Stay in school.

'Dear Santa, when I asked for a ship, what I meant was...'

Koool sunglasses, only $10-.

"Karl, act like a stuffed porcupine!"