Survival Humorists Gifts

'I'm sorry I don't date people from other islands!'

Koool sunglasses, only $10-.

'Hey, I know! -- We can dig a basement and wait till it floods!'

'I'd like two pizzas, one with cheese and pepperoni and the other with cheese and sausage. One more thing, do you deliver?'

Admit it. We have a drinking problem.

'No, I didn't know it was hunting season - why do you ask?'

'If we hadn't outsourced the staff, we could've eaten them.'

"That's 'Help' with an 'H'."

'Bottled water or other non-carbonated diet beverage!'

"If you got us lost ... I am so eating you first."

"What, no day spa? And you call this a luxury bunker."

'You are here' sign on desert island.

Man looks worried, as his fellow castaway reads book: 'Cannibalism for Dummies'.

'I'm kind of a survivalist myself. I roast my own coffee and distil my own gin.'

"We both knew this day would come, Samantha... I'm leaving you and taking the kids."

"At least my putting has improved."

"I'm next time I spring for the personal Wi-Fi hotspot..."

Randy, if you were stranded on an island, what's the one book you'd want to have along with you? Easy: Blood Meridian by Cormac McCarthy. It's got the perfect heft to knock coconuts out of trees. Well, I'd like to have How to Get off an Island, by Archie MacGuyver. That title's actually a metaphor for overcoming shyness. We really should have our own book review show.

"Don't even bother – this oasis only has two and a half stars."

"This better be high tide."

"Sure he's cute, but we should have discussed this."

Republican Beach. . . Nature Preserve rule: EAT OR BE EATEN!

"The problem is, you never know if they're ripe until you bite into one."

'Oh wait, I've got a good one! I spy with my little eye.'

'It's day to day, but so far I've survived,'

'Are you going anywhere near a chemist?'

'I told you. I'll be home with dinner just as soon as it dies.'

'You go ahead. I just don't feel like drinking this afternoon ...'

"I'm increasing your OnlyFan subscription..."

'I bet it's nice and warm inside!'

Stay in school.

Woman on desert island reads message she finds in a bottle: 'It's an ad for a diet club.'

'Dear Santa, when I asked for a ship, what I meant was...'

NO FACILITIES

"Karl, act like a stuffed porcupine!"